http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/ All The Print That's Fit To News. en-us editor@dailyernebraskan.com Copyright 2010, The Dailyer Nebraskan. Jacob Fricke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/california-introduces-three-strikes-we-kill-you-law http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/california-introduces-three-strikes-we-kill-you-law
The proposed "Three Strikes, We Kill You" law would replace the current controversial "Three Strikes" law, in which repeat offenders are given progressively harsher sentences. Critics allege that the current program has caused intense overcrowding of California prisons.

To combat this, Governor Schwarzenegger has decided to personally eliminate every person convicted of three serious crimes.

"I've had quite a bit of experience killing things...in movies, as you know," Schwarzenegger said. "So, I decided the best thing to do was to take matters into my own hands."

If passed, the measure would require that upon the third conviction, Schwarzenegger stand 15 feet from the bench, aim and fire at the defendant.

Members of the California State Legislature have been nearly unanimous in their praise for the plan.
"This completely eliminates any need for me to actually solve this problem," a jubilant Senator Mitchell Polelle said shortly after announcing his unequivocal support for the program. "Thank God I can finally get back to watching the state debt clock rise."

The plan is expected to pass by Thursday morning. The first execution of the law is expected to take place shortly afterword, when elderly felon Paul Foster is brought before the court on drug trafficking charges.

According to Governor Schwarzenegger, the only problem has been deciding which of his movies to quote after carrying out his part of the law.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Erik Mellgren http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/cheney-survives-fifth-heart-attack-by-selling-last-shred-of-soul-to-satan http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/cheney-survives-fifth-heart-attack-by-selling-last-shred-of-soul-to-satan
Yesterday, a source close to the former vice president indicated Cheney was able to survive the event thanks to a pact he made with his old fraternity brother Lucifer, in which Cheney sold the final, bitter scrap of his soul.

“There better not be a sixth anytime soon because as close as Cheney and the devil are, Ole Dick has run out of soul to bargain with,” said the source who chose to remain anonymous.
This has come as a shock to many around the world who were surprised that one of the brains behind the Iraq War and a former executive of Halliburton still had anything remotely resembling a soul.

“After Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, I was sure that Cheney was a soulless demon from the seventh circle of hell,” said political analyst Jane Kimball. “I think that Americans are more surprised that he had a soul than that he has been bargaining with Satan several times over the years.”

Despite having to sell the last of his soul to the dark prince, there are no hard feelings between the Cheney family and Beelzebub. Dick and his wife Lynne will be hosting the Angel of the Bottomless Pit at their home in Jackson, Wyo., for dinner Friday before the former vice president joins the ruler of demons for a fishing trip on the lake of fire.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Erik Mellgren http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/upc-announces-black-eyed-peas-to-play-pershing-center-last-week http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/upc-announces-black-eyed-peas-to-play-pershing-center-last-week
“This is a huge act that we are bringing in,” said Bernard Shaw, a representative of UPC. “We spent a lot of student fees bringing the Black Eyed Peas to Lincoln, and so, we are going to make sure that everyone knows that they played last week.”

UPC, which is funded by the student fees that every student at UNL pays, has recently come under fire for bringing in second-tier acts and forgetting to advertise for events, resulting in low attendance.

“UPC does get some cool acts every once in awhile. I mean, I went to Sam Beam a couple years ago, and that was pretty cool,” said UNL senior Doug Hill. “My freshman year they brought my favorite band, Guster, to Lincoln. The only problem was that I found out that Guster was here in the Daily Nebraskan last month.”

“I know that we have had problems in the past when it comes to getting the word out about our shows, but the Black Eyed Peas practically advertise for themselves,” said Shaw. “It was a great show last week and I expect it to sell out as soon as students hear about it.”

“Because UPC paid for the tickets, it was technically a sold out show," said Pershing Center affiliate Jenny Sellers. "The only problem was that we were only at half capacity the whole night.”

According to the Sellers, the tickets allocated for the community were completely sold out. Of the 8,000 tickets reserved for sale through UPC, 192 were actually purchased by students.
Students who attended the concert last week were shocked to see the advertisements this week.

“I had no idea it was a UPC event until I got there,” said UNL sophomore Lisa Franks. “I wish I knew UPC was doing it beforehand, it would have made getting tickets a whole lot easier and cheaper.”
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Erik Mellgren http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/students-class-schedule-regrettably-not-in-sync-with-roommates-masturbation-schedule http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/students-class-schedule-regrettably-not-in-sync-with-roommates-masturbation-schedule
“I get out of class Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:20 a.m., so I head back to my room for a bit before it's time to grab some lunch,” said Brandt. “My roommate wakes up around this time, and every Tuesday and Thursday for the last three weeks now, I have walked in on him beating it.”

Neihardt Residence Director Melissa Peters says this type of conflict is common in the dorms. “Kids have never lived with someone before, and they need to realize they are not used to coordinating schedules for certain things, but it is a matter for the residents to resolve.”

“Luckily the semester is more than halfway over,” sighed a resigned Brant. “I guess I will just have to get used to eating lunch early or start walking back from class slower.”
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Erik Mellgren http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/husker-baseball-excited-to-meet-expectations-set-by-husker-mens-basketball-team http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/husker-baseball-excited-to-meet-expectations-set-by-husker-mens-basketball-team
“Last year we had a really rough season, and the fans were not very kind to us,” said head coach Mike Anderson. “The men’s basketball had their best season in a while last year, and everyone went into spring expecting us to be great.”

With attendance at basketball games setting all-time lows, the baseball team does not expect many fans, but those who do show will be ready to cheer on anything.

“The baseball team is thinking of taking the basketball team out for dinner sometime to thank them,” commented center fielder DJ Belfonte. “By sucking it up on the court, they took off all the pressure to succeed we were feeling this time last year. If we score a run, people are going to be going nuts. A win will look like a Big 12 title to them.”

“The same psychological principle can be seen everywhere you look,” says UNL psychology professor Dr. Rupert Tanner. “If you eat at one great Italian restaurant, you expect the next Italian restaurant to be just as good, even though they are different establishments. This year the basketball team was so unbelievably bad that a last place finish for the baseball team will seem like an average year to Husker fans. The baseball team doesn’t even have to try, and they should clear the bar set by the basketball team without a problem”

It remains to be seen how much fan support the baseball team will have if they perform like they did last season. However, it will be hard for the baseball team to perform at a level lower than the men’s basketball team played this season, and that is giving baseball fans and players alike a reason to smile this spring.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Meagan Jungman http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/local-man-refuses-to-poop-in-girlfriends-apartment http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/local-man-refuses-to-poop-in-girlfriends-apartment
Currently suffering from the effects of extreme fecal compaction, McCellen credits the consumption of an entire D’Leon’s Chorizo Special Burrito and the confirmed twelve hours spent at girlfriend Cynthia Mackenzie’s apartment, as the sources of his pain.

“It’s pretty common knowledge that D’Leon’s will eventually destroy you from the inside out,” admits McCellen, “but I was under the assumption that this was going to be a two hour visit, tops.”

Four hours later, and halfway through "Memento," McCellen claimed he comprehended the full magnitude of his mistake. He had committed himself to a place where very few practices were considered more taboo than pooping.

After having only been dating for three weeks, McCellen felt he had not yet reached the stage in his relationship with Mackenzie that even entitled him to mere confirmation of the need for the occasional bowel movement, and was at least a solid four months away from being able to completely destroy her bathroom.

The experience still haunts McCellen.

“Do you know what it what it feels like to be forced to play three games of Scrabble while your insides seethe with the most caustic Mexican food in Lincoln?” He asked reporters, pausing for a full two minutes until he was finally answered with a collective shaking of heads. “Well it blows, guys. It really, really blows.”

When asked for further comment, McCellen says that in two months he plans to passive-aggressively obtain vengeance by leaving Mackenzie’s toilet seat up at every available opportunity.

]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Jacob Zlomke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/fox-news-reports-most-pro-choice-supporters-actually-pro-death http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/fox-news-reports-most-pro-choice-supporters-actually-pro-death The poll, distributed to about 10,000 registered Democrats across the country, asked a series of questions in order to separate the number of people who are pro-choice and the number of people who are pro-death but claiming to be only pro-choice.
Overwhelmingly, the poll showed that most are pro-death for anyone, not just people that haven’t yet been born. This includes the death of the elderly, the death of neighbors, the death of Republicans, the death of capitalists and especially the death of Christians.
Glenn Beck, who presented the poll’s findings on his show "Glenn Beck," said this should really come as no surprise to the American people.
“Americans have known ever since Roe v. Wade that most Democrats wouldn’t stop at fetuses, and this poll only proves it — that Democrats don’t have any regard for the sanctity of a human life,” Beck said before moving into a segment on why capital punishment should be exercised more frequently.
Several hosts on the Fox News Channel, including Beck and Shepard Smith, are urging viewers to take action by way of shouting, not letting Democrats explain themselves and talking in circles in hopes that pro-death Democrats will see the folly of their ways.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Jacob Zlomke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/national-organization-for-women-unable-to-prove-they-dont-belong-in-the-kitchen http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/national-organization-for-women-unable-to-prove-they-dont-belong-in-the-kitchen “At our last national conference, we finally realized it wasn’t worth fighting any longer,” said NOW president Terry O’Neill.
O’Neill said she is tired of trying to disprove a stereotype that is ultimately true. While this shocked the small portion of the nation that follows NOW’s actions, O’Neill said the organization still stands for everything it did before, such as equality in the workplace and the action against the media’s objectification of women. However, she said, "That doesn’t mean a woman can’t enjoy a decent home cooked meal every now and then.”
“We can go out and work all we want. And a successful working woman is something we see more and more every day,” O’Neill said, “but when it comes down to it, we just make damn good meals.”
Husbands of feminists across the country were raising their beers and kicking up their feet in good cheer after the press conference.
“I’m just happy to have my wife back in the house,” said Dan Wellington, local husband. “Ever since she joined NOW, I’ve been doing the cooking — and don’t get me wrong, I’m as much for equality as she is, but I’m sick of frozen waffles and cold Spaghettios every night.”
Members of NOW vocalized agreement with Wellington.
Janet Milliner, member of the Omaha, Neb., NOW chapter said at first she was against the organization’s agenda change.
“It seemed like a big step backward to me,” Milliner said, “but then I remembered how much I love cooking and how much better at it I am than my husband. The kitchen really is the woman’s place, at least much more than it is the man’s.”
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Jacob Zlomke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/in-new-russian-chat-roulette-one-in-every-six-users-shoots-you-in-the-face http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/in-new-russian-chat-roulette-one-in-every-six-users-shoots-you-in-the-face Chat Roulette, a site where one user video chats with another randomly selected user, began gaining popularity a few weeks ago after its launch and has now become known as a place to see penises and girls too young for anything but the Internet.
Andrey Ternovsky, a Russian student and creator of Chat Roulette, announced the reasoning behind his idea for Russian Chat Roulette.
“RCR will add an element of tension and surprise to the Chat Roulette model,” Ternovsky said. “For instance, let’s say one cycles through six users. The first is a big dick, the second is a picture, the third is a girl that passes you right away, the fourth is some old guy from Spain, and then you know that either the fifth or sixth is going to shoot you in the face. It’s a risk that I believe Internet users are excited to take.”
Ternovsky said he enjoyed creating the model. He said he missed the games of Russian Roulette he and his friends used to play. Tragically, most of his friends died fairly early in his life.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Christina Mayer http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/scott-brown-comes-out-as-bipartisan-to-parents http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/scott-brown-comes-out-as-bipartisan-to-parents
“We never expected it,” said Brown’s conservative-minded mother, Judith. “There he was, campaigning on a platform of petty partisanship like a good congressional hopeful, and now we find out that he was secretly dreaming of supporting the democratic jobs bill in the Senate. We’re frankly shocked.”

“But, of course, we’ll support him whatever his life choices,” said the senator’s father, C. Bruce Brown. “Sometimes these young politicians just have to experiment before they settle down in a nice ideological rut like everyone else.”

An interview with senior Massachusetts Senator John Kerry yielded a very different view of Brown’s long-hidden secret shame.

“I’m frankly not comfortable with the idea,” Kerry said at a press conference as he ran carefully manicured hands through his beautiful silvery locks. “I mean, I knew the man was Republican. I was alright with the fact — welcomed it, really, as an opportunity to reach out to the Republican community. He had signed me up for a Republican Pride Rally and everything. But the thought of him swinging both sides of the aisle … I could be voting with people he’s voted with. That’s just a bit too Tila Tequila for my taste.”

At press time, no White House official had made a statement in support or condemnation of the senator’s revelation. Privately, however, the president was heard to ask first lady Michelle Obama if she would “ever think about having [Brown] over for, you know, a three-way discussion on regulating the pornography industry and stuff.”

Sen. Brown was spotted last week getting into a black Saab with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Majority Leader Harry Reid. Brown’s aides disclosed that the three senators were headed to an exclusive French restaurant for a romantic candlelight dinner and discussion on how to reform health care.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Will Sharpe http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/charles-barkley-mistakenly-devours-box-of-rocks http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/charles-barkley-mistakenly-devours-box-of-rocks
On the heels of a weekend rife with gambling and receiving oral sex, Barkley appeared fatigued, perplexed and craving a zesty synthesis of several cheeses. The former NBA All-Star's forehead glistened with hunger-related perspiration beneath the neon menu above him. It had been a day or two since Barkley last indulged his tastebuds in an adequate mouthful of Box.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Barkley," replied Taco Bell cashier and Head of Securities Merl Hansen. "Would you like your Box That Rocks for here or to-go today?"

"Just hand it to me," Barkley replied after taking a minute to think things over. "I'll decide where I want to eat my Box while y'all whip it up."

Though, unbeknownst to Barkley, while he was weighing the dine-in/dine-out pros and cons, Hansen was busy replacing The Box That Rocks's traditional Burrito Supreme, Crunchy Taco, Cinnamon Twists and Cheesey Gordita Crunch To Munch with some 20 Igneous rocks, which are known to form when flaming magma deep within the earth cools and hardens millenia before being incorporated into Taco Bell's token dry-rock-bed landscaping. Despite his box's modified representation, Barkley nodded in approval upon acquisition and proceeded to get himself a 32 oz. Mountain Dew Baja Blast before sitting down to begin his feast of boulders.

Barkley's first bite was an indication that he had been misled.

"Y'all! Hey, y'all! This ain't The Box That Rocks," he remarked through pebbly lips before spitting up a ghastly mouthful of blood and a jagged canine onto the table. "I don't see no Burrito Supreme here! This just looks like rocks! Lots and lots of rocks! Whicha you scoundrels made this mischief?"

Barkley was discharged from St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix early this morning donning a new set of teeth and minor swelling along his jawline. Doctors were relieved that Barkley was only able to finish half of the imitation Box That Rocks before his hospitalization.

"Everything seemed cool to me at the time," Barkley said, his tone thick with embarassment. "I had my ice cold drink and no reason to believe that The Box's four additional items would be omitted. I guess I need to exercise more caution the next time I encounter Mexican cuisine."

]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT John Herman http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/impotent-things-part-1 http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/impotent-things-part-1
The table sent a chill down my bunsens as I settled in, a far cry from the joyful tingle I had grown so accustomed to over the years. Dr. Lucas entered the room with the results.

"I've got the results," he said, bandying about a thick manila folder. "I'm not sure how I should begin, John."

"Look, Dr. Lucas," I interrupted, choking back a Herman sob. "Just do what you have to do. Do it to me, Dr. Lucas."

Dr. Lucas put on his glasses, and now I knew for certain that his corrective lenses would allow him to read my results to me in only a matter of a seconds.

"John, it should come as no surprise that you've maintained your exceptional sperm count, nor that your sperm count is the highest it's been since 2002. You are as healthy as you've ever been, if not more so.

Your sperm still zip about your testicles with the grace and precision of a fleet of bald eagles. But...I'm afraid...I'm afraid, John...your sperm, on your most recent visit, they just showed no signs of being able to bring it. You're impotent, John. Impotent."

The word struck me with violent force, penetrating the flesh of my soul with astounding penetration.

"Dammit, Jesus!" I bellowed to the heavens, dropping to my knees.

"Come on, John! I thought you'd be able to zero in on how this could be a positive thing for you," Dr. Lucas begged. "This sort of jives with your lifestyle."

"I was supposed to reproduce!" I cried. "At some point. If not, the Herman family name will die with me. And my lousy fucking sperm!"

The room grew quiet, the shriek of ambulances arriving and departing from the ER below filling the void. I put on my pants, kicked Dr. Lucas in the face and left.

I would have to save my sperm myself.
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Alex Wunrow http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/lord-gaga-to-divorce-wife http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/lord-gaga-to-divorce-wife
“To be painfully honest with you, my wife is a whore,” said Lord GaGa in a statement to the Associated Press. “She drinks all the time, flirts with every guy or girl she meets and speaks exclusively in auto-tune.”

Lady GaGa was quick in retaliating with an issued statement of her own, “I hate the way he treated me. Every day, all I wanted to do was pa pa pa poke his face, pa pa pa poke his face.”

Reaction to the divorce has been widespread, seemingly occupying every single conversation among anyone who owns a radio.

“I had no idea she was married,” said Michael Dunn, a freshman at UNL. “I guess it really doesn’t change my opinion of her. She’s been really progressive in encouraging teenage girls to have casual sex and sing obnoxiously loud at parties.”

Though it is believed the partnership was doomed from the start, many onlookers are trying to salvage a teachable moment that can be had from all of this.

“Most marriages can be classified as a lovegame,” said Ernest Wayside, orthopedic surgeon from the Mayo Clinic. “But not all of them can be classified as a bad romance.” ]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Alex Wunrow http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/investigative-report-carl-pelinis-alleged-affair- http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/investigative-report-carl-pelinis-alleged-affair-
There is a reason I have spent the past day and a half camping out in a Wendy’s dumpster — I’m searching for answers.

It has been rumored that Cornhusker defensive coordinator, Carl Pelini, married father of three, has been having an affair with a prominent booster’s daughter-in-law — a former Mrs. Nebraska — for quite some time. It wasn’t long before DailyER editor John Rincon sent me out to do some investigative reporting of my own.

My misadventures have led me on a series of rabbit hunts. The carrot that continually taunts me is walking in on Carl Pelini in an oddly deserved moment of ecstasy with a Polaroid camera in hand. I have yet to capture the man and his bangin’ woman mid-intercourse, though I have managed to trail the allegedly adulterous couple while they hit up a slew of seemingly endless locations throughout the western hemisphere.

Although I have never been inside any of the endless one-night, cheap motels that Carl Pelini has checked into with the former beauty queen, I think it safe to assume that he hasn’t been playing cribbage.

I’ve also managed to sit in on many of athletic director Tom Osborne's meetings cleverly disguised as a bush in the corner of his office. Some of the things I have discovered are alarming.

Not only did I find out that Zac Lee has been giving Shawn Watson a good time every Friday afternoon in hopes of reclaiming his starting job, but also that Cody Green couldn’t read a playbook if you put a gun to his head.

But none of that trumps what I overheard Tom Osborne saying to Carl Pelini.

“You’ve really fucked up, Pelini.” Osborne said while casually petting a cactus that he seems to believe is a cat. “Normally I wouldn’t care who you decide to seduce, make love to or split in half, but when you do it to the daughter-in-law of a guy who signs my paychecks, it becomes difficult to deal with.”

“This girl is crazy, Tom. You don’t understand,” Pelini muttered out of breath and with a twitching smile absorbing his face. “Plus, she’s married and has kids. It’s a huge turn-on for me.”

That didn’t exactly please Osborne, but after much deliberation, he gave Carl Pelini one last chance to save his job.

“If you pitch a shutout in the bowl game and somehow get the offense to score 30+ points, I won’t fire you,” Osborne said, likely thinking he had just gotten rid of Carl Pelini for good. “In fact, if you can get the offense to score that many points, I’ll give you a raise.”

Little did Osborne know the Huskers would go on to pitch a shutout, as well as create the single most impressive offensive performance of the entire season in the bowl game, firmly securing Carl Pelini's spot as a Nebraskan golden child, in addition to a nearly $200,000 raise.

Consequently, no media outlets reported the affair, avoiding a PR disaster that would have publicly shamed the defensive coordinator on a national level, in addition to completely destroying his personal life.

But that’s why I have made the dumpster I currently reside in my temporary home. The truth lies within a Polaroid camera and in the hearts of every Husker fan who has gone on the Internet over the past three months.

Lucky for them, winning bowl games is the only cure-all that will make God reconsider what qualifies as adultery.

So, as Carl Pelini’s ’68 VW van leaves the parking lot with little but a cloud of smoke and a discarded condom in its wake, I know I have to continue. Justice must be served.

Football season cannot come soon enough. ]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT John Rincon http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/editors-note-3910 http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/editors-note-3910
I was mean to a friend recently, and it was wrong.

She bore the brunt of the frustration that I had allowed to build up for the past week.

While she may have played a part in the problem, she wasn't the cause of it and I had no right to treat her as such.

She was an easy target and I lost control.

While perhaps the damage isn’t irreparable, I still know it is significant. I hope she can forgive me and we can begin to rebuild the bond we had.


The point of this anecdote is that we should use our friends to assuage our frustration and anger during stressful times, not to make them the victims of our diatribes and tantrums.

As flawed beings, every one of us has the potential to lose our tempers and make mistakes, but that is hardly an excuse to abuse the people who love us.


Though it becomes easy to take them for granted, the people who love and support us are the ones we need to appreciate and protect the most.

My friends know that I have their backs no matter how great the adversity, and I know they would do the same for me.

That’s why my true friends should never become scapegoats for my anger, and neither should your own.

There will always be those days when punching a friend’s face into a fine powder sounds like sweet justice, but more times than not, problems can and should be settled diplomatically.

Patience and understanding make for far better tools of conflict resolution than fury and fist fights do, I promise.

But it is also important to remember the weight and power of words.

Often times, things said in the heat of the moment hurt more than physical aggression ever could.


Growing up, I was often unreasonably indignant, but as I’ve matured I have learned to channel that negative, explosive energy into activities that are far less destructive.

While I may still have an affinity for depreciating sarcasm, it doesn't compare to the way I once used words as weapons.

Fueled by an endless wealth of rage, I belittled and berated people at the first hint of opposition.


But that's not the person I want to be, and I’ve done my best over the years to cope with the insecurities that propagate my anger.

I have learned ways to lessen my inherent need to control--I let some things slide.

Rarely do things transpire exactly how we want them to, so just roll with it.

It’s how we learn; it’s how we grow.

Try not to let your anger get the best of you.

Instead of throwing a hissy fit every time your friend gets on your nerves, take the time to calm down and address the situation with grace and empathy.

If the situation still ends badly, at least it won't be from your lack of sensitivity.

But mean people still suck. Fuck them.

That is all.

Salud,


John Rincon
Editor-in-Chief
DailyER Nebraskan ]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Paige Mathew http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/those-penny-pinching-indian-folk http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/those-penny-pinching-indian-folk An even more pertinent question: why on earth am I on a cruise ship a week before Spring Break? Ever heard of dirt cheap off-season rates?

There’s a common stereotype about Indians- slurpee, not casino (yeah, I said it). There is a rumor that Indians are money-stingy, and I’m here to clear up any confusion about it. I’m here to confirm that it is completely true.
Indians tend to gravitate towards free things, and if the things aren’t actually free, they will find a loophole to make it free or at least inconceivably cheap. A few illustrations of this point:

My family would spend our Sunday afternoons at all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets. Now this doesn’t seem too out of the ordinary, but here’s the catch- we would spend the ENTIRE afternoon there. The logic: if you show up around 2 P.M., eat to your heart’s content and hang around for a few hours, you’ll eventually get hungry again for dinner. And if you abstain from drinking water during this time period, rumor has it you can actually continue to eat more. Two meals for the price of one? How else do you feed a family of six?
And in the case of a restaurant like Fazoli’s where you get free breadsticks, it’s a whole new ballpark. When Breadstick Lady comes around, you want to ask for nineteen, but apparently that’s not socially acceptable. So here’s the game plan: every member of our family would be strategically placed in different regions of the restaurant in order to maximize Breadstick Lady exposure. In the middle of the meal, we would reconvene and pool our rations together. If we felt like we’d gotten enough, we would pull the troops out and retreat. This way, Breadstick Lady never catches on. However, in the off-chance scenario where the breadsticks were not sufficient, we might bring ourselves to actually order something.

There’s a reason for all this. There’s a reason I was forced to lie about my age until I was 15 so I could order off the 10 and under kid’s menu at restaurants (and I wasn’t a small kid). There’s a reason I was forced to get at least three refills of pasta at Spaghetti Works, and then ask for a to-go box. There’s a reason I’ve seen Indians finish ¾ of a milk gallon and then return it to the grocery store, claim it was sour, and ask for a replacement.
There’s a reason that when young Indian girls go get their hair cut, they get bangs cut all the way up to their forehead because their parents want to ensure they get their money’s worth. There’s a reason when you receive Christmas gifts from Indian relatives, they leave the real price tag on and only remove the 50% off sticker. There’s a reason Indians will drive halfway across town just because the furniture store over there is giving away free hot dogs. There’s a reason that when Indians go to buy a car, they come home with not only a car but “free” hats, t-shirts, and key chains that they insisted be a part of the transaction.

At this point, I’m not real sure what the reason is, but I figure it will come to me in due time. I’ll ponder it over at my weekly continental breakfast at Embassy Suites.

Note: This column was not based on true events. But chances are, it was. ]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Emily Wilson http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/nonspecific-jumbotron-proposal-ruins-lakers-fans-life- http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/nonspecific-jumbotron-proposal-ruins-lakers-fans-life-
“My boyfriend proposed at a Lakers game!” Whittington exclaimed. “I looked up at the Jumbotron, and there it was: ‘Katie, Will You Marry Me? Love Mike.’”

While Whittington and her fiance, Michael Hughes, are celebrating their upcoming nuptials, Michael Sterns, another Lakers fan, is less than elated.

“All of my buddies were busy, and my girlfriend was out of town, so I brought this chick Kate I’ve been doing on the side to the game,” Sterns said. “Then, at halftime, while I’m texting score updates to my boys, she just looses her shit, jumping up and down and screaming 'Yes!' That’s when I saw the big screen with the message. I guess she thought I was proposing to her.”

“I just put the messages up on the screen. It’s not my fault that no one specified which Mike and Katie,” said stadium manager Carl Rimerez.

Sterns' ‘something on the side,’ Katherine McGahey, is ecstatic about the proposal she assumes was directed at her.

“Obviously I said yes, Mikey!” McGahey said. “Now that I know he’s finally serious about settling down, I can be completely honest with him. It was such a relief to know someone’s going to be there to take care of my massive amount of credit card debt.”

Sterns is taking his unintentional proposal to McGahey in stride.

“I am so fucked,” Sterns said. “My brother Josh was at the game, and he called our mom and told her. Plus, a few guys from work texted me to say congratulations. The whole thing got really out hand. I’m going to tell Kate I don’t want to get married soon. In the meantime, I really hope no one tells my girlfriend.”
]]> Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 CDT Jacob Fricke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/poll-shows-addition-of-n-to-party-name-fails-to-inspire-votes- http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/poll-shows-addition-of-n-to-party-name-fails-to-inspire-votes-
Since the establishment of the Association of Students of the University of Nebraska, almost 90% of political parties running for ASUN office have incorporated "N" in their name. This year is no exception, as the parties are FusioN, N-Vision, and ReNew.

N-Vision candidate Justin Soloman dismissed the results of the poll.

"Adding the 'N' to our party's name ensure that students know where we're from and who we stand for: the University of Nebraska," Soloman said. "Without it, how would the populace know who we are?"

Opponent FusioN party candidate Reid DeSpiegeleerie agreed with his rival.

"Who was this poll done by? The Nebraska Thinker? I can assure you that highlighting the 'N' in our party name ensure we will get the most votes," DeSpiegelaere said, throwing darts at a posted picture of Soloman's face," said DeSpigaguilera

To ReNew party candidate Cori Curtis, however, the results of the poll weren't any surprise.

"We knew coming into this that the 'N' was a load of crap," said Curtis. "But it's in the ASUN bylaws, and I quote, 'All parties running to fulfill ASUN offices must incorporate 'N' into their party name. This will ensure that the student body will remain under the delusion that we are working for their benefit.' Clearly, our hands are tied."

Reaction from the student body to the news was generally subdued. Senior political science major Joseph Boyle perhaps summarized the reaction best. After pausing for moment, he cocked his brow thoughtfully before asking,

"What the fuck is ASUN?" ]]> Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CDT Jacob Fricke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/america-recalls-10-million-toyota-consumers http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/america-recalls-10-million-toyota-consumers
The announcement came after it was revealed in late January that there were in fact, American citizens dumb enough to purchase a Toyota Prius or Camry.

Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood is in charge of overseeing the recall, which will involve the immediate "impounding, packaging and elimination of the dangerous fools who made such near-sighted purchases," according to the press release.

"We just can't have this happening again, which is why we're taking this drastic measure," LaHood said. "The people who purchase Toyotas are a danger not only to themselves, but to others. What if their children are inspired to purchase one when they can drive? It's a risk we can't take."

The recall is expected to cost the U.S. government anywhere from $3 to $4 billion.

Consumer advocate and "proud owner, gosh darnit" of a blue 2007 Prius, Jessica Doyle was the first to criticize the decision. Her organization has pledged to sue the government for unspecified damages.

"They can't take me away, not again!" Doyle said, as three men in dark suits handcuffed her and threw her into the back of an unmarked van. "They're just trying to hide the truth fro--"

Despite a few dissenters, the government is optimistic that the program will be well received by Americans.

Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, said President Barack Obama is in favor of the recall.

"President Obama knows as well as anyone how stupid these people are," Gibbs said, glancing down at his hand for notes. "Now if only we could do the same thing to everyone in Texas..." ]]> Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CDT Jacob Fricke http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/interview-with-the-hood-internet http://www.dailyernebraskan.com/article/interview-with-the-hood-internet
Hailing from Chicago, the Hood Internet is composed of Steve Reidell and Aaron Brink, known by their stage names of STV SLV and ABX, respectively.

The group writes no original music of their own, yet are highly respected in several music circles for their signature musical “mash-ups.” The group mixes together two or more songs to create a unique new sound. Traditionally, the group mixes hip-hop with indie rock.

Formed in 2007, the group is considered to be at the forefront of the recently revived genre, which had previously followed the success and failure of peer-to-peer music site Napster.

Since formation, the Hood Internet has released over one hundred mash-ups, and each is available for free on their website.

The members of the Hood Internet were kind enough to answer a few questions for the Dailyer Nebraskan between their rigorous touring schedule.

Dailyer Nebraskan: Who is in the Hood Internet, and what kind of music do you play?

STV SLV: The Hood Internet is me (STV SLV, pronounced STV SLV) and ABX (pronounced like three letters). We produce mashups and remixes.

DerN: Have you ever had any problems with licensing? Do you need to obtain permission for the songs you use in your mashups?

STV SLV: We haven't really "released" any of the tracks we've made to be available for purchase, so we haven't really run into any problems with licensing. The Real Internet is flooded with many things of this nature that were likely done without the appropriate permissions.

DerN: How have the original artists reacted to your mashups?

ABX: It's all been pretty positive when we hear from artists we've mashed up. Sometimes it surprises me when someone has listened to one of our tracks really closely. We ran into Kevin Drew from Broken Social Scene and he was asking us about a flute sound that I had added in this one part of a mashup of one of his songs, and at the time I thought he had imagined it. When I went back and listened, it turned out he was right and I had forgotten I added that part, and still have no idea where it came from.

DerN: What is the process of constructing a mashup?

ABX: Find two songs you think would sound good mixed together. Find an "acapella" version that just has the vocals for one song and isolate instrumental parts of the other song. Mix them together and hopefully you have something that sounds good. If not, try some other songs.

DerN: What do you live shows consist of?

STV SLV: When we do Hood live sets, they function like DJ sets: the DJ plays tracks, the people get down. We travel with a video artist from time to time to further augment The Hood Internet Experience (that's a proper noun).

DerN: Do you enjoy playing in Nebraska? How is it different?

STV SLV: We've only played here once (in Lincoln) and it was really fun. It's also the only state we've played in that ends in "-SKA."

DerN: What do you think is your most popular song?

ABX: I think R. Kelly vs Broken Social Scene "I'm A Flirt (Shoreline)" is probably the classic Hood Internet jam.

DerN: What is next for the Hood Internet?

ABX: In the future we've got more live shows, more mashups, a variety of remixes in various stages, collaborations with some good people on original tracks, filming a music video, and Hood Internet: The Album. Further along in the future, we'd like to own hovercars. ]]> Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CDT