Younger Sister Defies Repeated Warnings To Stop Hitting Self

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Sep 30, 2008

In brazen defiance of her own sovereignty, Kelly Williams, 9, launched a volley of ballistic hits and slaps at her own face late last night.

She continued in spite of strongly-worded warnings from older brother and longtime critic of Kellyian aggression, Chad Williams, 13.

“Why are you hitting yourself?” Williams asked during a meeting between the two parties last night, where he forcefully attempted to stop Kelly Williams from hitting herself.

“Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself,” he added.

Kelly William’s response in these matters has been mostly erratic, sometimes broadcasting giggles loud enough for practically the whole downstairs to hear.

Other times she groaned and attempted to call on long-time ally and mother Stephanie Williams.

At one point, the conflict nearly spread to the living room when the young girl issued a cry for help to Stephanie.

Stephanie Williams went so far as to state “Chad! Leave your sister alone!” but later softened her rhetoric as pressing matters, such as a batch of biscuits burning and setting off the fire alarm, arose.

She was forced to open many of the doors and windows in the house, an effort that sucessfully distracted her attention during the key hours of the Kelly-Kelly standoff.

Chad Williams again seized the opportunity to come out in support of any efforts to subdue Kelly’s aggression.

“If Kelly does not stop these imperialistic attacks against herself soon, the international community may be forced to resort to noogies, rug burns, wedgies, and under extreme circumstances, pretending a fist is actually an egg and then cracking it over Kelly’s head,” he said in a televised press conference.

The U.S., a longtime critic of Chad Williams, delivered strong words late last night when Press Secretary Dana Perino said that a scenario where Chad delivers an Indian burn to one of his siter’s defenseless forearms would be “unthinkable” and would echo back to a Cold War era the United States would just as soon forget.

Perino also went on to suggest that if Chad’s hostility increased or if he continued to funnel goods and support to the rebelling portions of Kelly, that they would offer Kelly NATO membership as a means of protecting against further incursions.

All of that may prove unnecessary, however, as father and regional powerhouse Dane Williams issued one of his famously curt edicts.

“If I have to come over there…” he stated simply.

At press time, Kelly-Kelly violence appeared to have eased considerably.