World Outraged At Santa's New Catchphrase: Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good Night — Except The Jews

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

Santa Claus replaced Mel Gibson as the world’s newest celebrity anti-Semite this week after unveiling his new catchphrase: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night — except the Jews!”

Though the Anti-Defamation League agrees that Jewish people do not traditionally celebrate Christmas, the explicit discrimination and blatant anti-Semitic message Claus presents should be punished.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Claus. “It’s only natural that I exclude the people who killed the guy whose birthday we’re celebrating. Let me put it this way: If someone killed your best friend and then was like, ‘Hey, I heard you were throwing a party in his honor. Can I come?' You’d be like, ‘No, fuck you.’”

“Thou shall not attend the birthday party of those who you have killed. You want to know who said that? Jesus. It’s in one of those books he wrote somewhere.”

This racist revelation comes as a shock as Claus has always employed a largely Jewish workforce with an overwhelming majority of his elves and reindeer practicing Judaism. Claus only dug a deeper hole for himself when he explained why this is, “Jews are good at two things: manual labor and pinching pennies. You think making a million Xboxes a year is easy or cheap?! No, it isn’t. Bring in the Jews.”

Claus’ reindeer report that his anti-Semitic sentiments have been well known around what they refer to as the North Polish Ghetto. “It’s tough working for a guy like that,” said former reindeer Malachi. “If any of us reindeer were late for flight practice, he would call names like 'Jewy' and 'Jew stain.' That son of a bitch made our lives hell. Rudolph has always been a fragile guy, but after a year of being called a 'Jewhorse,' the poor kid is doing more cocaine than ever.”