Women’s Basketball Team Unveils 'Jump Shot'; Game Will Never Be The Same

Story by Alex Wunrow 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

Rumors ran wild prior to UNL women’s basketball head coach Connie Yori’s press conference Monday night that the team has something revolutionary hidden up its collective sleeve.

“It’s going to be nuts,” Yori said, prior to breaking the news that the women’s basketball team will be unveiling a revolutionary new way of scoring.

“It’s called the ‘jump shot,’” Yori said to a visibly stunned group of reporters.

“I had no idea the women’s basketball team was capable of anything more than an easy lay-up,” said UNL freshman Ben Jessen. “What’s next, running the pick and roll?”

Though the move wasn’t without criticism, it is heavily rumored that several players on the team plan on intentionally keeping their feet planted to the ground in protest.

“I don’t understand why Coach Yori would want to mess with such a good thing,” said women’s basketball player Meghin Williams. “When people come to our games, they come expecting to see layups, not jump shots. Why would they want to see anything else?”

Her displeasure with the issue is not an isolated opinion. Terry O’Neill of National Organization for Women (NOW) had some stern words of Coach Yori.

“I can’t believe she is so blatantly trying to make women’s basketball into a man’s game,” said O’Neill. “People watch women’s basketball for the simplicity, not pizzazz.” O’Neill went on to further explain why women cannot stand for blatant sexist propaganda in the form of “jump shots.”

“I am fully confident that it was a man who suggested that female basketball players should start using ‘jump shots,’” said O’Neill while completely ignoring the basketball team’s lack of funding as well as the maltreatment of female athletes on the UNL campus. “It bothers me on many levels the way people laugh at the games lack of excitement. What is so wrong with lay-ups?”

Though protests were being planned, there are still some who are asking for more change. “I don’t think they should stop with the ‘jump shot,’” said local women’s basketball critic Luke Bastiansen. “If they are willing to bring in innovative new techniques, why not lower the hoop so we can incorporate ‘rebounding'?”

Regardless of public opinion, Coach Yori is still optimistic about the move, even going as far as to say with a newfound jump shot, a little luck and a hell of a lot of gusto, the Husker women might be able to win the Big 12. “It’s not like anyone else is even considering using ‘the jump shot,’” said Yori after painfully explaining to her team what a “jump shot” really is.

“We’re just a bunch of girls out there trying to figure out how to score further than ten feet away from the hoop. I’m confident the ‘jump shot’ gives us the best chance of doing that.”