Woman Lives Vicariously Through Yorkshire Terrier

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Oct 6, 2009

Upon finding herself unemployed, physically repulsive to both men and women and possessing no useful skills whatsoever, the average woman often develops debilitating substance abuse problems as a means of coping with an ever-present sense of inadequacy. Or just kills herself.

42-year-old Lincoln native Margot Brandt is not that kind of woman.

“Most people need a purpose in order to believe that life is worth living,” Brandt said. “I just need Nutmeg.”

Nutmeg Sage Rosemary Thyme Brandt, fondly known as Nutmeg to most (but responding to nearly anything if addressed in a pleasant tone), is a 3-year-old Yorkshire terrier and the prettiest little girl in the world. Yes, she is.

“I couldn’t imagine having a job, family, close friends or a personal hobby. I mean, I guess I did once, but thank God I dodged that bullet, right? The real tragedy is that I could’ve raised two Yorkies in the span of time it took me to figure that out.” Brandt sighed, smiling wistfully as she further dwelt on what could have been. “If only I knew then what I know now.”

Brandt is determined to see that her personal lack of social skills will not adversely affect her beloved Nutmeg, though. Recently, the two stumbled across an online dating community that promises chemistry, compatibility and an online store offering an unparalleled selection of costumes, accessories and toys for “single pets just looking for a little fun.”

“We made Nutmeg a profile last week, didn’t we, girl?” asked Brandt, her tone heavy with self-satisfied pride. “And now we already have had ten gentlemen suitors come calling on lil' ol’ you. It’s because Mommy knew using the picture from last year’s spring break vacation in Toledo was a good idea. Mommy always knows.”

Nutmeg was unable to comment due to her hereditary inability to vocalize many of the percussive sounds that characterize the English language. And because she is a fucking dog.