Woman Falls Down Stairs Because She Can’t Fucking Learn

Story by Emily Wilson 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

In the last few years, Sophie Kiefer has had her fair share of accidents.

“Oh, I’m such a klutz,” Kiefer said with a nervous giggle. “At least that’s what Stan, my fiance, says. Oh, have you met him? I’ll introduce you to him later. It’s best to keep it down for now — he likes his sleep!”

Kiefer has been admitted to the hospital on 13 different occasions since she and boyfriend Stan Morgan moved to Lincoln in 2007 and has sustained a variety of injuries. She was treated last February for a fractured wrist. “That’s the last time I ever try skiing!” Kiefer said.

And three weeks later, she was bitten. “We went to the zoo, and a panda attacked me. Crazy, right?”

Kiefer’s most recent mishap landed her in the emergency room last Tuesday with three cracked ribs and one black eye. “Oh, I just fell down some stairs. I was just so distracted Tuesday that I forgot to add Stan’s socks to the wash, and he was pretty upset,” Kiefer said as she glanced nervously over her shoulder.

Friends of Kiefer are a little skeptical about her explanation. “Stan hasn’t let Sophie, like, speak to me in the last few months,” said once close friend, Amanda DeWitt. “But the last time she went to the hospital with a chipped a tooth and broken nose, she blamed it on walking into a doorknob. Like, how do you even do that?”

Another friend shares DeWitt’s concern.

“Have you met Stan?” asked former sorority sister Lindsey Potter. “Back at UCSC, we all thought he was waaaayy too cute to pass up — even if he’s got kind of a temper. But I dunno, I mean sometimes I think he might be, like...but no way, I mean, they’re, like, the hottest couple.”

Kiefer’s parents share this sentiment.

“Oh, Stanny is just the nicest boy! He comes from such a good family,” said Sophie’s mother Linda Kiefer.

“First-string running back for Santa Cruz — he’s just the kind of son-in-law every man dreams of for his little girl,” said James Kiefer, Sophie’s father.

Stan Morgan has noticed his future wife’s growing clumsiness, and he has an explanation. “Soph is just so fuckin’ ditzy. Like, I love the girl, honest I do, but she gets in her own way,” Morgan explained between swigs of Rolling Rock. “I mean, maybe if she just paid attention to what she was goddamn doing, she wouldn’t hurt herself so much”. Morgan shook his head and snapped his fingers, sending his fiancee into the kitchen for another bottle. “Honestly, I think she’s just looking for attention,” Morgan said. “I wouldn’t take anything Soph says too seriously.”

Kiefer just hopes her injuries heal before her upcoming nuptials. “I know it sounds silly, but I just want to look like a princess on my special day. I can cover up the black eye without a problem, but I really hope my dress fits over the brace I have to wear. I just want everything to be perfect.”