White House Begins More Liberal Anti-drug Campaign: “Meth Okay, But Just This Once.”

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Sep 8, 2009

With Obama’s approval rating slowly slipping, the United States Department of Health and Human Services has commenced a radical anti-drug campaign hoping to win support from an entirely untapped constituency.

To win over the millions of toothless, foul-smelling, memory-deprived, jobless, homeless and non-voting meth addicts, the White House offers forgiveness for those unfortunate fuck-ups who have experimented with the drug.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development is even pitching in. To ease the efforts of thousands of the human filth, Secretary Shaun Donovan is appropriating hundreds of dollars to provide addicts with mattresses already soiled with blood and urine for their comfort.

An increase in approval isn’t expected to happen for at least a few weeks after implementation as most addicts need at least three days to realize where they are and at least three more to remember how they got there.

The change in policy came immediately after an extremely drunken viewing of the 2000 movie, Traffic, starring Michael Douglas and Don Cheadle, by health secretary Kathleen Sebelius.

“Wait, wait, wait……wait,” said Sebelius exiting the bathroom after staring at herself in the mirror for half an hour.

“Sooooo, wait…rich white kids do meth too?! Awww shit mayne,” she exclaimed, biting her tongue and clapping her hands, aides report.

“Y'all know what that means?” asked Sebelius as she leaned against the wall, lighting a cigarette with her eyes closed.

“That means…that means if we give these pieces of shit a second chance, Brock…Bo-rock…Barack “The Rock” Obama could be like the cool parent who turns his head the other way. They’ll love y…they’ll lo…” The secretary stuttered as she battled back the bile in her throat.

Sebelius then proceeded to drunk dial every senator and congressperson she had in her phonebook, incoherently explaining her epiphany.

Inadvertently interrupting secret Democrat socialist meetings and secret Republican senator-page rendezvous with her inebriated intrusions, neither party contested her request.

Ironically, UNL was first to get in line for reform. In addition to the student checklist of necessary items for living in the dorms for the academic year, a handout listing the household cleaners needed to make crystal meth will be distributed next year at the Big Meth Welcome.

Obama has yet to be informed of the new policy.