Wedding Rings Worth More Than Institution Of Marriage

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Sep 30, 2008

For a majority of Americans, it’s no secret marriage stocks around the country are plummeting.

Nearly half of joint ventures into the marriage industry declare bankruptcy within the first eight years.

Now, several U.S. fiscal analyst firms are claiming the start-up capital required to finance a marriage may be worth three times what that marriage is capable of earning.

“Right now, the average cost of a wedding ring is $3,576,” said Sheena Patel, a senior market analyst with Morgan Stanley.

“However, the net worth of the average marriage, adjusted for inflation, exchange rates and 1.7 ungrateful kids who won’t move out of the house no matter how much you nag them to get off their asses and get a real job, is only about $1,187.”

Marital bliss hit an all-time low on the New York Stock Exchange, falling to $5.67 a share last Tuesday.

“It’s nuts, crazy, outlandish,” screamed Jim Cramer, host of “Mad Money”. “Marriage futures are going out the window!”

To illustrate his point, Cramer proceeded to throw a decorative plastic bride and groom from the top of a wedding cake through his plate glass window, followed by a cat, a bowling ball and a frail-looking audience member, because he’s a fucking lunatic.

Despite Cramer’s damning defenestration, more than ever, entrepreneurs are trying to make a go of marriage.

Patel and other analysts around the country are offering free marriage appraisals to those considering starting a business.

These marriage speculation invoices provide a no-nonsense look at the odds a particular co-op will turn a profit.

“We’re here to help people really think about the time and effort required, as well as the inherent risks intrinsic to matrimony,” said Leeroy Willis, a Goldman Sachs Group analyst. “We also try to provide helpful hints for first-timers.”

The worst move marriage entrepreneurs can make is to start manufacturing before solidifying the partnership, also called getting a member of the business “knocked up,” Willis said.

At least one sector of the market appears to be shielded from the recession, Willis added.

Polygamists continue to see record-high dividends year after year.

“People in that sector do a fantastic job of diversifying their portfolios,” Willis said.

But most companies continue to decline.

The marriage market is especially hurting right now, Patel said, because thousands of same-sex firms are being denied the right to invest.

And even though loopholes in a few states allow such partnerships to exist, many of these new businesses are failing right along with their “straight” competitors.

Ryan Veletti is a veteran of the marriage market.

Having invested in two failed enterprises, in which he partnered with an “overbearing harpy” and then a “total bitch,” he now successfully maintains a third profitable business with “a really wonderful woman.”

Unfortunately, he declined to comment further on his company, as he was busy tuning out the wails of his 11-month-old daughter while watching football four rooms away.