Warren Buffett Buys Union Pacific, Completing 1:1 Scale Train Set

Story by Logan Thompson 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

After his company’s acquisition of Burlington Northern Santa Fe (BNSF) Railway three weeks ago, Warren Buffett set his sights on another company: Union Pacific (UP). Buffett acquired the railroad on Monday for $48 billion, effectively bringing home the final piece of his train set.

“I’ve always loved toy trains,” Buffet said in a press conference immediately following the deal. “When I was a boy I decided to work my hind end off until I could afford to get a life-sized set of ‘em. Everything I’ve done, my whole business career, has been for trains.”

Buffet announced he will sell all his other companies now that he “is a real conductor, with the stripey hat and everything.” He said he plans to focus less on investing and more on mastering the train whistle sound.

Buffett’s employees outside BNSF and UP were baffled by the announcement. “I’m out of a job now,” said Ruth Lunden, an actuary for Central States Indemnity Company, “and just because some old man wants to play trains all day.”

When asked how he could liquidize so many assets and jobs in such a slumping economy, Buffett responded: “I know I have actual train horns now, so I don’t really have to make the whistle sound myself, but it’s just more fun that way.”

The business mogul was grilled with more questions accusing him of being “heartless” and “senile.”

Buffett responded by telling them he would run his trains on steam, like the “good old days.” “None of that coal or diesel crap,” he added, putting on a blue-and-white striped hat.

Eventually, Buffet detailed the next part of the plan for his long-awaited train set, saying he will cut down “a whole mess o’ trees” to create a village through which to drive the locomotives.

“Seriously, they’re all coming down,” Buffett said through laughter. “You people better just take a deep breath now so you have oxygen to last until I replant.”

After the initial shock and the focus on business matters ended, skeptics eventually brought up the question of land area for the train village.

Buffett quickly responded, saying he has already bought “that pile of crap where Detroit used to be” (referring to the city of Detroit itself) and will construct his village there.

“That place isn’t worth anything anymore anyway,” he said, claiming that he has done the whole country a favor.

Some question whether the business-man-turned-imaginary-conductor will get bored with his newfound knickknacks. Buffet has an answer for them too.

“Have you ever driven a train? That shit is great.”