UNL LGBTQA To Assimilate Entire Alphabet By 2010

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Oct 28, 2008

Earlier this week, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln chapter of the LGBTQA announced plans to reach out to 18 additional sexual orientations, thereby expanding its acronym to include the entire alphabet.

UNL LGBTQA officials said the additions and subsequent name change are simply a matter of convenience.

“If the plan comes to fruition, we can just call ourselves the Alphabet Alliance,” said Pat Tetreault, the group’s assistant director. “Seriously, say UNL LGBTQA five times fast. It’s a real tongue twister.”

She then challenged DailyER staff members do the same with the phrase “a quick witted cricket critic.”

As of yesterday, several groups have already voiced a strong desire to join the soon to be formed alliance. Among those seeking membership are cosmosexuals and omnisexuals.

Serena Ryndell, a senior accounting major at UNL, first came to terms with her cosmosexuality last year. Today, she said, she’s become far more secure in who she is.

“(Cosmosexuality) is kind of like Shintoism,” Ryndell said. “It promotes a deep, abiding reverence for the natural world. Except instead of introspective meditation and prolonged periods of self-reflection, you just fuck the hell out of everything.”

Along similar lines is omnisexuality. Omnisexuals possess the unique ability to engage in sexual intercourse with the entirety of creation in a single instant. Like right now.

Or now.

Or now.

A third group also requested admittance, bringing controversy along with it. But after much deliberation, Tetreault said the alliance will most likely bring dramasexuals into the fold.

Dramasexuals are straight females who make out with other straight females at parties so somebody, anybody, will pay attention to them.

After a few moments of highly contrived passion, however, the tangible sense of insecurity emanating from both individuals involved in the calculated locking of lips causes all onlookers to walk away in disgust, feeling unclean for having witnessed the preceding event.

While dramasexuals may be allowed to join after vigorous debate, some sexual identities have been denied admittance to the alliance.

Taftisexuals -- individuals attracted to morbidly obese, mustached men stuck in bath tubs -- will not be included under the AA’s burgeoning umbrella, because transsexuals are already part of the Alphabet Alliance, satisfying the “T” requirement.

“I am very sad, very sad indeed,” said Herbert Watkins, a taftisexual who has been “out of the tub” for just over two years. He was also disappointed about not being allowed into the Alphabet Alliance, he added.

The AA is still looking for specific groups to fill a few vacancies, including a sexual identity starting with “Z.”

Despite repeated inquiries, zoosexuals will not be joining the alliance, as they’re “too damned creepy,” according to multiple officials.

While the additions to the alliance are expected to foster good will and tolerance throughout the campus, pockets of resistance to the AA have cropped up.

“First they take the entire spectrum of color, and now they want the alphabet,” groaned David Yentsen, a 44-year-old trucker. “If them homosexuals get a hold of numbers, I ain’t sending my kids to kindergarten, no sir! Don’t want my kids learning about colors, numbers or letters with an agenda!”

Yentsen identifies as a malsexual, an individual whose genetic traits, passed on through intercourse, artificial insemination or a turkey baster, stand to pollute the entire human gene pool.