UNL Athletic Department Totally Feeling The Budget Cuts Too, You Guys

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

Tuesday afternoon, the UNL Athletic Director, Tom Osborne (King of kings, Lord of lords, Messiah, Redeemer, Savior, He Who Walks Behind The Rows) held a press conference to discuss the 2009-2010 campus-wide budget cuts.

“My children, prostrate yourself before your Director, for he is both compassionate and merciful.” instructed Osborne, rising from his chair and officially calling the conference to order. “It’s 2:00 and NCIS is on in, like what? Two hours? And I’m pretty sure Nancy forgot to TiVo it yet again, so let’s just move things along as quickly as possible.”

Evelyn Foster, a would-be protestor and former student employee at Love Library had more than enough to say on the subject.

“I can’t even describe the Pavlovian rage I experienced every time I so much as glanced at something that resembled a football.” Foster claimed “After I lost my job and the ability to support myself, I lost faith in academia. I, uh, I…”

For several moments, Foster fought to find the strength to continue.

“I mean, I only saw the full-ride scholarships, the separate dormitories and apartments, and those exclusive dining halls that the Athletic Department offered its students. And oh my God, did you know they serve actual ice cream in Hewitt—not that soft-served shit, but actual ice cream? Why should the Athletic Department bend over backward to continue to serve ice cream of the highest caliber to people who probably aren’t even eating it, while my boss is able to tell me that dusting books and playing Tetris for nine hours a day isn’t worth a paycheck? Where the hell was the justice in that?”

However, Foster’s expression shifted from openly hostile to a docile, cow-like serenity when she once again returned her attentions to the now-seated Osborne.

“But somehow, after looking upon the face of The Tom Osborne, all the anger and nagging suspicion that I am somehow being shafted by my University has left me. It’s in His hands now. I’m just going to have to open my heart, let go, and give it all over to Osborne. “

As soon as an intern appeared at Osborne’s side, handing the Athletic Director a docket of substantial size, business was clearly at hand.

“Things That the UNL Athletic Department Must Eliminate Or Change Due To the Extensive Budget Cuts:” Osborne read. “Item One: Oh…Wait. So we actually get the Devaney Center? And all the proceeds too? All this time, I just thought they wanted to get rid of the State Fair. Fantastic.”

Unfortunately, euphoria did not linger, as Osborne soon discovered several additional items still listed on the agenda. A vast majority of the docket appeared to focus attention upon cost-cuts concerning pointless things like the Arts, Agriculture, and something called an Arboretum (whose existence was questionable, at best).

Driven by what he later claimed to be an overwhelming desire to make time for what promised to be “a delightful afternoon of televised reruns,” Osborne decided to cut the conference short.

“Yeah…I’m just going to have someone put the rest of this information in the faculty newspaper. You can check it out there, even though you probably won’t. Don’t worry though; no one really ever reads The Scarlet anyway. In the end, all you need to take away from our time spent together today is that we’re just like you.”

Passing the docket to the nearest unpaid intern, Osborne clasped his hands behind his back and benevolently smiled.

“My people, the Athletic Department is not some big, faceless organization that that will ultimately reign supreme. Do not worry. We do not give preference to academia that is in direct involvement with the FIVE-TIME NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, THE NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS!!!”

The speech was temporarily placed on hold as the crowd erupted into a frenzy of cheers, chants, and a cappella renditions of UNL fight songs. Their enthusiasm was only matched by the piles of balloons and shredded surplus funds that fell upon their heads in waves of green, red, and “wholesome, All-American fun.”

“In fact,” Osborne continued to shout over the noise of the crowd. “There’s really no distinction between us and them at all. I mean sure, our department is generally more well-received by the public, the students may have a few perks to inspire absolute dedication to the Husker fai—style. Husker lifestyle. But that doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. We’re totally feeling the budget cuts too, you guys, and so as the Good Book says, build thy bridge over troubled waters, and just suckith thine shit up.”