Twitchy Obama Keeps Reminding Everyone How Long It’s Been Since His Last Cigarette

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Jan 18, 2011

President Barack Obama announced today that he hadn’t had a single cigarette in one year, two months, three days, seven hours and 47 seconds.

In a statement read from the White House, Obama himself described the harrowing tale of his addiction, failed attempts to quit and subsequent recoveries.

“In this extraordinarily long, painful and arduous process, I’ve learned much about myself as a person,” said a visibly twitchy and baggy-eyed Obama. “I learned that, with commitment, anyone can give up the immensely satisfying feeling of the cool, refreshing smoke entering and leaving my God-given organs. Anyone can stop themselves from casually lighting up a cigarette. That’s really the only thing that takes the edge off my day anymore.”

“And, most importantly,” said Obama as he fidgeted with a Bic lighter, “anyone can save money by stopping themselves from driving to their favorite gas station, having a nice conversation with the single mother behind the counter and purchasing that glorious pack of happiness in a box.”

“I’ve truly never been happier that I stopped such a reprehensible habit. There are better ways to relieve stress than this simple process, which only takes a few minutes to relieve hours of anxious energy and fatigue.”

Obama then promised to take questions from reporters, but only outside near the press building smoking area, so he could “just take in the beautiful weather” of the 35 degree day.