Don’t ever try catnip. Not even once, man. I don’t give a fuck if you’re eating it, snorting it, smoking it, IV-in’ that shit into your arm. It don’t matter. I came to college a domesticated cat. I’m fuckin’ declawed man, and now you know what, I’m livin’ out on the streets. I’m feral. How’d this happen, you ask? Catnip, muthafucka.
Now, when I got to Lincoln a couple years back, I was livin’ under the roof of these two hot-ass ladies who did nothin’ but love the shit outta me. Litterbox, balls of yarn, the works. But one night my buddy Gianni calls me and wants to go to this party, whatever. So we go, have some drinks, dance on some bitches, then all of a sudden, we’re in this dingy backroom, lines of catnip everywhere. Full grown kittens snorting catnip off stippers’ asses. The kinda shit you see in movies. So I snorted some, then I smoked some, then I snorted some more. Fuck, I was high. Nothin’ like your first high.
But bein’ a cat in this town don’t get you nowhere, man. I ran out on my roommates, moved in to a bush south of Love Library, and got high all day. Man, that shit burns up your cash, though. Within weeks I was suckin’ dick just for a hit of catnip. You would not believe the underground shit that goes down on this campus. That mutherfucka creepin’ out by Richards Hall everyday? Sells catnip like it’s candy. I’ve seen cats go broke and starve ‘cause of that bastard.
So kitties, I don’t give a fuck if your friends are doin’ it, your parents doin’ it, your girlfriend does it. Don’t start on that shit. Brings out the devil in you. Keep tellin’ yourself you wouldn’t take it up the ass for some schwag catnip. It only takes once.
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