Trojan Introduces New ‘His Pleasure’ Condoms

Story by Will Sharpe 

| Published Sep 30, 2008

With the stench of two consecutive quarters of profit decrease still fresh in the nasal cavities of Trojan’s corporate big-guns, America’s most trusted condom manufacturer has unleashed Trojan His Pleasure, a state of the art rubber with a revolutionary design that has reinvigorated the market.

“I got excited when Camel introduced a cigarette that turned into a shittier cigarette at the pop of a bead,” said University of Nebraska-Lincoln sophomore, Benjamin Latimer. 

“But this really caught me off guard. These are, like, the iPhone of condoms. I’m pretty dang pleased so far.”

Trojan His Pleasure, engineered by acclaimed contraceptive-guru Javier Lewis, retain Trojan’s signature flexi-ring at the base of the condom but abandons the classic latex shaft sleeve that most FDA-approved condoms feature. 

The groundbreaking new model is the first condom ever to offer the male Johnson absolute exposure, at long last liberated of that slimy cylinder that nobody liked.
 
“I think it was just the right time for us to go back to the drawing board,” Lewis said.  “We needed to get in touch with the people who were wearing our raincoats and re-evaluate everything. I think it was when we received an e-mail from an unsatisfied customer telling us to change our brand name to The Fun Police that the light bulb really went on. It was time to bring the focus back to the wieners.”

What has resulted is an abrupt boom in condom sales and a subsequent rise in Trojan stock, something experts attribute to His Pleasure’s renewed emphasis on unburdening the penis, or dong. 

Quite simply, Trojan His Pleasure has empowered men, prompting condom buyers to get excited about wrapping it up.

“I won’t let my boyfriend wear anything else,” said UNL freshman Ashley Goldberg. “I mean, he may as well not even be wearing one.  It feels awesome.  So awesome.”

Trojan warns that His Pleasure may not be for everyone, as UNL junior Rod Timmons found out firsthand.

“I guess the real reason that I wear condoms is so I can just rail the honeys like I’m Peter North,” Timmons said. “I want that shit to last an hour at least, because that’s just the kind of dude I am.  Because I’m into that tantric shit.  I’m looking to have a Pontiac Game-Changing Performance every time I’m going at it. His Pleasure really just throws me out of my groove. I’m busting, like, five minutes in every time. Way too bare. I can’t have that, and the broads can’t have it either.”

But as long as His Pleasure continues to drive sales, Trojan will let the criticism slide.

“I’m proud of what we’ve done,”  Lewis remarked. “We just assume that most people are like us, and that they’re just kind of tired of wearing condoms. So, we met everybody halfway.”