Tortured Artiste Trapped In Perfectly Healthy Relationship

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Jan 26, 2010

Levi Mills, Lincoln native and self-celebrated poet, has reportedly spent the last year unable to extract himself from the agonizingly pleasant relationship to current girlfriend, Holly Lawrence. Defining each day as “a new pinnacle of human suffering,” Mills claims that “the unyielding onslaught of horror and contentment” still has no end in sight.

According to the embittered Mills, his relationship to Lawrence has been filled with frequent sex, home-cooked meals, affordable date nights, healthy communication, and a serious lack of domestic, mental, and sexual abuse.

“We even went up to Seattle last week to meet her parents. Absolutely wonderful people--and Holly said they really seemed to like me, too” said Mills, adding that the whole thing made him want to drive a railroad spike through his right temporal lobe.

Mills claims that as soon as his shift at Starbucks ends, he intends to return home to his downtown flat where he will spend the evening attempting to hang himself from the third floor stairwell or watch Atonement with his girlfriend.