Tom Osborne’s Office Beginning To Get That Old People Smell

Story by Will Sharpe 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

Tyrone Williams and Michael Booker weren’t sure what to make of it. It had been only four years since the former Husker defensive backs had seen their former coach, but something about this particular meeting smelled funny.

“I had to hop on Wikipedia once we left Coach’s office,” Williams admitted. “Never would have guessed that coach Osborne was 72 years old. He’s not so much beginning to look like it, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if he ain’t beginning to smell 72.”

When asked to elaborate on just what he caught a whiff of in Osborne’s office, Williams deferred the question to Booker, who had described the aroma to Williams’ liking earlier in the day.

“It was like straight piss,” Booker said. “Piss and hard candies and loose change. A musty vortex of seniority.”

“Word,” added Williams.

Shortly after their meeting with Osborne, Williams and Booker approached Jeff Jamrog, NU’s assistant athletic director for football and longtime friend of coach Osborne, out of concern for the general health of their former coach. The mid-90s lettermen were left skeptical as to just how safe it would be for Osborne to continue putting in 80-hour weeks as Nebraska’s athletic director in such stinky condition.

“Tom’s just fine,” Jamrog assured the former players. “Healthy as can be. The man still wakes up in the morning and shits championship gold. Guy’s still a gamer. Sure, there’s the whole piss-hard candy-nickels odor and full-blown senility can’t be too far away, but it’s Tom Osborne. He could smell like deep-fried abortion and folks wouldn’t think less of him.”

Osborne’s new fragrance was not Williams' and Booker’s only concern. Both former Huskers noted Osborne’s propensity for repeating stories, begging his former players to drive him to Perkins and spending the majority of their meeting screaming, “Hey, kids! Get off my lawn!” out the window of his office.