Tiny Tim Dies Of Polio

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

The world’s favorite little 8-year-old cripple, Tiny Tim, died today after his 166-year battle with polio. Tim was renowned for his Christmas spirit and never-say-die attitude, and rightfully so, because it seemed that Tiny Tim couldn’t actually die.

Scientists from the University of London have claimed Tiny Tim’s body for research, astounded that such a small vessel so ravaged by polio in 19th century London could live twice as long as a modern human.

“Amazing, really. It didn’t take long to find the answer, however. It’s so simple! Every cell, organ and fiber of Tiny Tim’s body is made entirely out of pure polio,” said lead researcher Dr. Emmit Kerns.

“I mean, by the time he died, his leg looked like a soggy piece of beef jerky wobbling back and forth like a Stretch Armstrong toy. Eghhh.”

Tim, reportedly, was a stout believer in traditional medicine, preferring leeches to antibiotics and religious ostracizing to physical therapy. Tim even refused to give up his trademark “hobbling” stick for a much more mobile wheelchair.

In his will, Tim stipulates that his remains be disposed of in the traditional 19th century fashion: thrown into a mass grave and brutally dissolved with lye. The public disintegration will be broadcast worldwide on Christmas Eve.