The Rice And Wrongs: Apologetic Asian: I'm Really Sorry

Story by Dan Nguyen 

| Published Sep 8, 2009

During my time at the University of Nebraska, I have made note of several personal character flaws. Naturally, I was able to exterminate many of these flaws--popping my collar, snapping my fingers as if to pack an invisible can of chew and acting like I'm drunker than I actually am to impress girls--during my earlier years of college.

Now that I am a senior, I have made it my mission to destroy one of my last surviving defects. This flaw undermines myself as a person and leaves me looking weak and incompetent. This flaw creates awkward situations and makes me uncomfortably nervous. This flaw is one simple phrase: "I'm sorry."

I am addicted to apologizing. No matter the subject matter, no matter how irrelevant or unimportant, I will respond with the words "I'm sorry."

I am an apologetic Asian.

By constantly apologizing, everyone I converse with has the right to question my personality. All my friends and family rightfully assume that I must be guilty of something. If not, why would I apologize? When I simply say,"I'm sorry, but can I use your bathroom?" a cause for concern arises. I could have just said I needed to take a piss, but the apparent preemptive apology warrants the notion that I am about to horrifically shit all over an innocent toilet bowl.

Working retail has opened my eyes to the diversity of Lincoln shoppers. Each customer requires a different selling technique and has different expectations for me and the knowledge I may possess.

One day I watched an Asian shopper enter the store looking incredibly confused. I endured five minutes of watching this man from the East-orient search our store for a product he couldn't find. I knew it was only a matter of time before he consulted a sales associate. Finally, the man straight-lined past my Caucasian co-worker and approached me to undoubtedly ask a question in a language that I didn't speak.

In this scenario my "twinky-assimilated-apolegetic Asian" took over and before he could even finish his question I knew my response: "I'm sorry sir, but I don't speak Vietnamese."

My white colleague gave a loud hiccup and glared at me with shocked eyes. "Man," he said, "he just asked you where the bathroom is."

Thanks to my tremendous character flaw, I am not labeled as a proud member of the Asian community; in fact, I may not be perceived as a big douche.

But it's a new school year! No longer am I to be a douche. No longer will I be a slave to apologizing. I will have confidence in my actions. I will no longer will undermine myself. If your dog runs out into the street and is turned into a bitch salad by a semi, I'll be delighted I own pet fish. What will I not be? Sorry!

I'm sorry if this article was way over the top, or just plain boring. I'm sorry for saying sorry. And I'm sorry in advance if you ever catch wind of any future articles I write this year. Sorry.

Shit.

Sorry.