The Late Night Menu

Story by Paige Mathew 

| Published Apr 13, 2010

Drunk people make smart decisions.


Well, let me rephrase that. Drunk people make true decisions. Or better yet; drunk people make uninhibited decisions. I could go on and on about the great decisions that drunk people make, but today I’m going to hone in on only one thing: food.


I have seen the most novel choices and pairings of food by drunk people, and I honestly believe that their state of mind makes their creativity shine. During the day, people can try to fool themselves into “eating healthy” and “making smart meal decisions.” But once their inhibitions are freed, that joke is over.


As a senior Nutrition Science major, I’ve decided to do an in-depth report on one of the most fascinating aspects of the field: Drunk eating. The following are some of the worst/ best things I’ve seen intoxicated people eat. The only prerequisites are these a) The food must be consumed after midnight and b) The food doesn’t taste nearly as good when sober.


Little Debbie Snacks: Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Swiss Rolls, Cosmic Brownies, Zebra Cakes- you get the picture. They cost 3 for $1 for a reason. The last time you had these sober was probably in 3rd grade when your mom let you get an after-school snack at the gas station, accompanied by those 30 cent drinks flavored “Red,” “Blue,” and “Purple”. Yes, you are quite aware of how bad they are for you, and you wouldn’t be caught dead munching on a Banana Marshmallow Pie in your Philosophy 106 lecture. However, when you’re drunk and they’re around, the coast is clear. The good thing is that they are individually wrapped. The bad thing is that once you eat one, you realize you’ll need at least 3 or 4 more to be satisfied. When you wake up next to an empty box of Oatmeal Crème Pies, it is time for an intervention.


McDonalds: The cookie cutter fast food. Word on the street is that there is a 475-RIDE driver that will bring you through the drive thru on your way home. Don’t ask me how I am privy to this information. However, if you want their name, please talk to me because you CAN request specific drivers when you call. 1 step forward, 4 steps backward. Sorry, Brian Coburn.


Gyros: Time for the age old question- Ali Baba’s or Gourmet Grill? Both are similarly priced and DAMN good, but you can’t keep flip-flopping. At some point you have to assess your loyalties, get off the fence, and choose one. Gourmet Grill has speedy fast service, but Ali Baba’s has irreplaceable, personal customer service. You’ll have to order something from each place- preferably in the same night- to make this vital judgment, and no way can you make this decision sober. I wish you great luck on your quest.


Jimmy Johns: Sure sure, the Vito is good. But once you get in there, you realize you don’t want to smell like salami all night and all you really want is some bread. Someone I know once made the sober mistake of thinking the Jimmy John’s loaves of bread were free. So she grabbed three loaves and made a beeline for the door. Yes she got stopped, yes she is not allowed there anymore, and yes she still got away with one loaf she stuffed into the sleeve of her jacket.


DeLeons: I’m not even going to go there. See previous column for details.


Anything oven-baked: Drunk baking is the best. The wait goes by really fast, you get to run around with hot pans, and everything always turns out cooked to perfection. There’s no better way to please a crowd than with steaming, hot pizza rolls, muffins, breadsticks, etc.

NOTE: do not begin this endeavor if you are about to fall asleep. Nothing smells better than a charred Tombstone pizza at 8 in the morning, and your roommates will be really happy when they find out that the oven was on all night.


Pizza dipped in baked beans: Now don’t get me wrong- this should not be allowed. In no way is this socially acceptable, and I advise you not to do this around anyone that respects you as a person. However, next time you find yourself at some shoddy tailgate and both of these items are in sight, just do it- don’t even question it. Hide when you eat it, don’t let anyone know that you’re doing it, and if anyone finds out, don’t cite this column as a reference for your explanation. But I promise you won’t regret it.


Doritos (Nacho Cheese flavored), dipped in red wine: Again, the reasoning for the dipping is a little unclear, but both flavors seem to be enhanced when paired. At least that has been the drunken reasoning presented to me. I can assure you the source was credible, as the source was not sober.


No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, the celery in your vegetable bin is NOT going to satisfy you at 2 A.M. You owe it to society not to go to bed hungry. So, scrounge up whatever you haven’t spent on alcohol or just get creative with your roommate’s food. You’re definitely not sober enough to eat your own.

Note: This column was not based on true events. But chances are, it was.