The Economic Collapse Was Just My Midlife Crisis By Ben Bernanke

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Nov 9, 2010

Being in a position of power is not easy. Everyone who has influence over others feels the stress at some point. Teachers sometimes snap at their students, bosses take vengeance on undeserving workers, etc. and all that. I am certainly no exception.

But I’d be lying if I said my position didn’t have a bit more importance than some nameless bureaucrat. As chairman of the United States Federal Reserve, I do my best to set a monetary policy that is beneficial to all. Not all banks can attract customers by offering free toasters; the U.S. is too far in the red to do that anyway.

Which, of course, brings me to the elephant (donkey?) in the room: the massive economic recession we’re currently facing.

Some have told me that it never would’ve happened on Alan Greenspan’s watch, but I say they’re fools. I’ve had to contend with a few things he didn’t.

Let me preface this next bit by saying what happened was only natural. After all, I’m not getting any younger, and neither is my wife. Of course we’re devoted to each other, but sometimes circumstances combined with hormones can do some odd things.

It was early 2006. I’d just had my 53rd birthday. By the time you hit that age, I could no longer claim I was just a hair out of my 40s. I was officially old.

So I overreacted. I bought a sports car, spent some time with a young blond. It was all so harmless.

Until I started taking too much time off work. Suddenly, before you know it, I’m wasted in Cabo and the TV announces the Fed just bought billions in United States debt. The intern I left in charge had really fucked up.

It’s taken a bit to get my life back together. I think the Fed’s better than ever. Greenspan’s on my side. My wife has forgiven me. In time, I think the citizens of the United States will too.

Things like this, they happen. I’ll be the first to admit that it wasn’t exactly convenient for anyone. But I had nothing to do with Fannie and Freddie.

Ultimately, I’ve got 10 more years to make this right. We’ll be totally fine until then.