The Doctor Is Always On F*cking Time

Story by Dr. Rodger Entwistle 

| Published Nov 25, 2008

I hate shaving. I don’t think I’m going to do it anymore.

I hate trying to teach a bunch of ungrateful bastards the basics ofhemobotanical engineering. I don’t think I’m going to do it anymore.

It’s a legitimate field of study, damn it! It’s trying to bioengineer a plant with a circulatory system, so that those PETA bastards will feel just as bad about cutting down plants as they do killing animals.

No food for them. No more PETA.

I also hate flaky people. I don’t think I’m going to do them anymore.

What ever happened to the good ol’ days of decency and dependability?

Where have all the on-time people gone?

Why is it that you always need a weekend extension on your paper or an extra half-hour to finish your exam?

I don’t care that you snoozed your alarm or that you were too busy working on “other projects” to show up or turn in on time. The world works on a predictible schedule for a reason.

I am always on time.

I am always punctual. I may not always be good to my word, but I will at least show up at the proper time to tell Tony that his money will come eventually. I don’t care how drunk I am or how much I feel like stabbing the next person I see, it doesn’t matter.

I always show up on time.

I hate how students think  their time is somehow more precious than mine.

They figure that I can just come into my office at any hour to help them with whatever. They figure I can just bend my entire grading schedule around their one late paper. They figure I can just stay in a room while they scramble to finish an exam that I know they didn’t study for.

Sorry, fuckers! This is not the case!

Pull your head out of the self-centered universe you created up your own ass, and smell the real shit outside. My world doesn’t revolve around you. When you fuck up, it fucks me over.

The reason I always show up on time is because I know, in some small way, that my doing so will make sure something works right. It will make sure that maximum efficiency is carried out. It will make sure that something in this out-of-control world will function properly.

It’s damn near the only thing that gives me a real purpose.

When I have a student come to me, pleading for an extension on a project, the first thing that runs through my head is my ex-wife. She always used to tell me to meet her places and then wouldn’t show up.

After I found out that she only did that to get me out of the house so she could fuck our accountant, it really started to PISS ME OFF!

Students make certain promises when they enroll in a class. They promise that they will be there to learn, and that they will do all of the assignments ON FUCKING TIME!

When a student breaks that promise, they remind me of my ex-wife. I hate things that remind me of my ex-wife.

And, when the dean here demands that I comply with the student’s lateness and grade the project anyway, it takes away from my research time. I’m trying to make plants BLEED dammit!

You do your work so I can do my work, capiche?