Suh Crashes Truck Into Orphanage: Orphanage Cited For Being Too Close To Street
| Published Nov 17, 2009
Police arrived immediately to give the orphanage a citation for being located too close to the street.
“They got off lucky. The way I see it, they were obstructing justice. Because Suh — that’s justice. That boy is the heart and soul of ‘Braska football. SUUUUUH!” yelled Officer Jim Lange, as he repeatedly fired his pistol into the air.
Suh was unable to comment due to his slurred speech, incessant vomiting and refusals to go sleep in his own bed and not on the lawn. For the fabricated violation, St. Helen’s was fined $2,000 and has to sacrifice an orphan for Suh to devour.
On the initial incident report, Suh was noted to have had a BAC of .463, high enough to kill any human. In the press conference the following morning, police Lt. Charles Handler commented on Suh’s intoxication.
“(A BAC of) .463? Gah, damn! That boy hits like a train and drinks like a tank! He's gon' crush those Wildcats like he crushed those parentless children's only home! Woo! Let's go Huskers!”
Subsequently realizing how this news could damage Nebraska’s defense, Lt. Handler quickly continued, laughing, “Oh, you guys. My fellow officers are such jokers — always putting the decimal in the wrong place. There’s supposed to be a zero before that four. He blew a .0463. That’s legal!
"I swear to God if any of you nansy pansy journalists let this get out, I will hunt you down and kill you myself! Nobody ruins my Old Chicago game day,” threatened Lt. Handler as he threw up "the bones."
He then proceeded to yell Suh’s name and discharge his pistol into the ceiling.
As for St. Helen’s Orphanage, with no building left standing, the nonprofit institution is forced to relocate all remaining orphans — all except for the sole sacrificial child, who will be eaten by Suh as the halftime show entertainment during the Nebraska-Kansas State game on Nov. 21.
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