Study: Misogyny Up Nationwide, According To Some Dumb Bitch

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

The number of misogynists in America has tripled over the past decade and will continue to grow, according to Linda Ellis, an incredibly mannish chick who thinks her PhD means people care what she’s saying. Ellis, apparently the head of a national women’s rights group or some shit, presented her findings before Congress last week, aided by a panel of uppity broads who desperately needed to get laid.

Ellis’s lame-ass presentation, which she called “A Dozen Steps to Combat Misogyny,” but was referred to as “The Bitch Pitch” by anyone who actually matters, wasted nearly two hours of everybody’s time, mostly because the panel shrugged off any and all suggestions to “show a little skin.” After Ellis finally shut up, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer remarked that the panel’s “little plan” was “great, just great,” and promised to give it his utmost attention when the “adults were done talking.”

Steny added that he had his own plan “right here,” along the left inseam of his pleated dress pants. Steny’s spur-of-the-moment plan quickly defeated Ellis’s well thought-out presentation, after opponents pointed out the 38-year-old, Ivy-League-educated lawyer “was seriously not even that hot” and “probably only wants your money or your seed.”

Additionally, Ellis’s 12 step plan baffled spectators with suggestions like “only refer to your ex-girlfriend as ‘crazy’ if she has shown signs of mental instability, such as trying to hack your junk off with a putty knife,” “themed porn doesn’t count as ‘respecting women in the workplace’” and “you can’t say you’re not a misogynist just because you don’t know what it means.“ Even more surprising to Senators, however, was the revelation that women can count to 12.

Although audience members nodded politely for the first 30 seconds of the presentation, they only did so to distract Ellis and her panel while a pair of pages turned down the thermostat. Unfortunately, it quickly became evident that Ellis “either had no nipples or was wearing, like, three bras,” according to those present.

On the whole, it would seem Ellis’s whiny bid for equal treatment didn’t resonate with the American people, which is pretty much par for the course whenever women start talking. Area misogynist Aaron Hertz watched the entire 2-hour presentation because his “bitch of an ex-wife” blocked every channel except for Nickelodeon and C-SPAN.

“What can I say? She’s got a case of the chubbs and her tits are too small to count,” said Hertz, picking at a mustard stain on his collar. “God, I wish I could just fuckin’ mute her, like I did every time Sarah Palin was on TV.”

Hertz then headed out the door to go heckle the cheerleaders at a local high school football game, but not before offering one final comment.

“I’ll stop hating women when they stop fucking up. Seems simple enough to me.”