Studies Find Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthin’ To Fuck Wit

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Nov 11, 2008

A series of studies conducted by Harvard’s Departments of Anthropology and Physics recently concluded that the Clan from the slums of Shaolin: the RZA, the GZA, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghostface Killah, and M-E-T-H-O-D MAN, are in fact nuthin’ to fuck wit.

The various professors and scientists that conducted the studies as well as the Clan convened for a press conference to relate their findings.

Three out of the nine panelists were unable to walk, needing the use of wheelchairs.

Two of the nine were actually deceased. Professor Charles Olsen, an esteemed expert on urban linguistics, was decapitated when the Clan decided to “chop his head off dead,” GZA exclaimed.

The Clan went on to explain how Scientist Shameek Wilson suffered two gunshot wounds to the head.

Shameek from Room 212, was on assignment, accompanying Ghostface Killah to the Black Land on his way to pick up his Culture Cypher when “crazy shots just went the fuck off God."

“The sucka layin’ there like a fuckin’ new born fuckin’ baby God,” explained Ghost.

Method Man woke up, lifted his hat off his eyes, looked at Wilson asking, “Is he dead?” The Clan retorted vehemently, “Is he fuckin’ dead?! What the fuck you mean is fuckin’ dead?!” yelled Ghost.

“What kind of question is that B, what the fuck you think?” asked Raekwon.

Ghost continued, “The sucka layin there with this fuckin’ all types of fuckin’ blood comin out of his…” Ghost trailed off as the blunt that was being passed around the table came his way.

When asked about his dabbling in necromancy the RZA said, “I’m the RZArector, be my sacrifice. Commit suicide and I’ll bring ya back to life.”

“How do you think ODB is here today? That’s all me. DUH DUH DUH!” He then elaborated, recalling a specific instance where he hypnotized several people to kill themselves all the while the rest of the Clan started dancing to his rhyme and meter."

“The first was convinced stuck a water hose in his mouth at full blast so his head can explode. Second said hmmmm that’s good but I can top it, put an axe up to his head and then he chopped it!”

RZA was cut off when the blunt reached his seat.

Suddenly Frederick Edmonds PhD, a panelist, let out a muffled cry.

When asked what happened to him Method Man said, “I fuckin pulled his fuckin tongue out his fuckin’ mouth and stabbed the shit wit a rusty screwdriver, BLOW!!”

One reporter had to leave the conference to vomit. A police officer present started to make his way towards Mr. Meth with handcuffs upon hearing this.

Method threatened him, “What? I’ll fuckin’, I’ll fuckin tie you to a fuckin’ bedpost, with your ass cheeks spread out and shit, right?”

“Put a hanger on a fuckin’ stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour, take it off and stick it in your ass slow like tssssssss!” The mimicked sound of skin sizzling sent several others out of the room in distress.

A number of observers cried out in disapproval of their antics. U-God got out his chair knocking the table over bellowing, “Suckas want to pop shit? I pop clips. BITCH! I put my dick on yo lips!”

The murmur died down quickly after. The Wu-Tang Clan members were visibly angry. Without warning RZA stood up yelling, “Killa bees on the swarm!”

After which the entire Wu-Tang Clan disintegrated into a swarm of none other than killer bees, which began to sting any and everyone in the room. There was only one survivor.