Sports Writers' Union Admits To Writing Same Three Football Stories For Past 80 Years

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Oct 6, 2009

Scandal rocked the world of professional sports journalism this week, following an admission by the Sports Writers’ Union that its members have been recycling old football articles for nearly a century.

“We regret to inform our readers that we’ve misled them,” said Burt Novak, the SWU’s acting president. “Over the past 80 years, we’ve only written three truly unique football stories. We’ve just been retooling and rereleasing them ever since.

“Of course, this really isn’t news to anyone who doesn’t cream themselves after reading a triple-digit rushing yard tally.”

The scandal was first brought to light by Bud Worchester, the union’s oldest living writer, during a frantic deathbed confession.

“It’s all the same, really. All the same,” muttered Worchester, visibly agitated to the point of knocking his breathing tube loose from his nostrils. “Every day, I’d just change a few names, a few scores. My job was pretty much a fuckin’ Mad Lib.”

Back in 1929, Worchester said he and a handful of SWU writers compiled a list of reusable quotations, each carefully concocted to sound meaningful, while simply stating the obvious. Entries on the list included “You have to show up and make plays,” “Each team has to have a strong performance to avoid a loss” and “The talented players stand out the most.”

“I don’t know how many times I’ve stated that a team ‘needs to be more aggressive on offense’ or ‘should get out there and take some chances,’” Worchester shouted, his violent rocking knocking over his IV stand. “I’m so sorry. So sorry.”

The revelation has yet to directly affect any die-hard football fans, however, because a majority of them can’t read text that isn’t part of the sports page or presented on a colorful splash screen.

Worchester died in his sleep Tuesday evening. His last words were reportedly, “We were really determined to come out and play four quarters of good, defensive football.”