Sorority Report: There Are A Lot Of Ugly Babies Out There | By Mackenzie

Story by Greg Bright 

| Published Nov 8, 2011

Hey sluts, it’s Mackenzie, back with another edition of sorority report. I’ve been working at a maternity ward for some stupid internship stuff I have to do for my nursing major. You know, ladies, I thought this whole nursing thing was gonna be easy: just party for 4 years and then go to Seattle Grace Hospital and live the life of Meredith Grey. I mean, I deserve that much. But no, instead, being a nurse in this stupid maternity ward just means you have to look at a lot of ugly babies. And let me tell you gals, there are a lot of ugly babies out there.

No one ever tells you how many ugly babies there really are. But not to worry, that’s why I’m here. I’d say at least 9 out of every 10 babies is uglier than Whitney, and if you’re uglier than Whitney, you might as well just know your life is going to suck (you know what I’m talking about, Becky, Lauren!). Not all of them are ugly; my cousin came in and had her baby, and he was adorable and cute (she said the baby was cuter than me, but that bitch was on all sorts of medication, so she had no idea what she was talking about).

Of course, not all ugly babies stay ugly, and not all beautiful babies stay beautiful unless you’re as lucky as me--well, I shouldn’t say luck. More like blessed. I’m beginning to think that God makes some babies ugly or beautiful based on how they’re going to be as real human beings. Like, look at my ex-boyfriend, Jake. He broke up with me 5 weeks before my birthday like a total scumbag. He was super hot when we dated (he’s gained a little weight since we broke up; that’s what he gets for dating that backstabbing bitch Allison), but he was ugly as a baby. Maybe God knew he’d break up with me and turn into an asshole.

So ladies, basically what I’m trying to tell you is: if you think you’ve found a hottie, make sure he was hot as a baby too. Because if he wasn’t, that probably means he’s a worthless dirtbag, and you should get rid of him immediately.

Until next time, stay sexy ladies! But make sure you know you’re not as sexy as me. I’m looking at you Jenn!