Sloppy Seconds A Concern By Larry Goodwell

Story by Dan Stier 

| Published Nov 23, 2010

What is a young man supposed to do anymore? I am not talking about any young man. I am talking about the young man our grandmothers see in us.

But first, if you are a girl, please stop reading, none of this pertains to you and you will think it is stupid. To avoid annoying comments in the halls like, “I don’t get it,” or, “This is stupid,” Just put the paper down or turn the page.

Now, back to where I left off. The nice guys in life are dying out. When we walk into parties we are greeted with the cold embrace of rejection. A nice hug and “hi, how are you?” is exchanged then back to the shit covered conversation being had in the corner with a guy named Lance. Who the fuck names their kid Lance anymore anyway?

Now I am not saying Lance is an entirely bad guy. Just that he may be a complete douche that has to announce every time he takes a shot so people know how hard he is. Let us not forget that you also have to know what alcohol it is. God forbid we haven’t heard of Sailor Jerry’s.

Now you would love nothing more but to take over the conversation between Lance and, lets call her Girl A. However, you know full well the party is two hours deep and the chance of landing Girl A in the sack is a wash. Besides, how the hell do you get her there anyway? Even if your game is turned up all the way, your only option is to catch her on the second trip to the penis buffet.

That’s right, sloppy seconds. A complete and utter demotion of your manliness. Plus, it makes your grandmother turn over in her grave. “Unclean filth” she would call you, with her judging eyes and decrepit arthritis ridden fingers, as if she has been binding bibles for years.

How are average, non douchey young men supposed to cope with the weight of not being first? To know that you are just one in a line that started last year is a dream crushing feeling and should not be taken lightly. For me the pain is unbearable. Over and over again this happens and I am starting to go proactive.

This is the issue for many men in our generation. The most we can do is raise awareness. The more the issue is known and openly discussed, the more we can move on. I am calling for action. We need fliers, posters, and guest speakers! Together we can move past this horrible stain in man’s history and go on towards better things like Four Loko.