Seven Boys, One Bed, Endless Possibilities

Story by Paige Mathew 

| Published Feb 23, 2010

When you live with seven boys, you’re bound to find some interesting things in your bed.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry, this is not the sex column. Being the only girl in a house full of boys automatically makes you the victim of all pranks, and I must say some unconventional things tend to occur.

Situation A: It’s 2:30 A.M. on a Saturday morning, and a young girl is fast asleep in a warm, sanctuary-like basement bedroom. All of a sudden, a strange commotion is heard outside, and before she knows it, a parade of drunken boys charge in yielding a war cry, their ringleader being a 6’9” male roommate wearing a dreadful massacre-pig mask. They proceed to attack this young girl, throwing clothes, shoes, scarves, and anything else they can find at the innocent one. The normal lamp is unplugged and a strobe light replaces it, so the girl is in utter confusion as the boys retreat. Just when she catches her breath and thinks she is safe again, the basement window opens up, and one by one, the parade of boys somersault in to the room onto the bed, this time with snow shovels. They continue their attack, but amidst the drunken fury they notice something strange- a lock of blonde hair. Bewildered how their half-Indian roommate got blonde hair, they do further investigation and realize that this whole time, they have been attacking not Paige but Paige’s friend visiting from out of town. During this massacre, I was having a nutritious, well-balanced, and highly refined meal at IHOP and was completely unaware of the siege occurring at my humble abode. My poor friend will never return to Lincoln.

Example B: Lincoln is known for its wide array of cultural restaurants and markets, particularly along 27th street, and a walk in to one is a mini-adventure. However, when one has shenanigans on their mind, a multitude of opportunities lie in these markets. My roommates decided to explore a Vietnamese grocery store and found what would be the source of my nightmares for the next three months. Apparently, dried squid is a delicacy in certain countries, and someone thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to this new snack. However, their method of introducing it to me was hiding bits of it in every crevice of my bed- pillowcases included- and then waiting for me to find each bit. In case you didn’t know, when dried squid is left unattended for a while, it acquires the foulest odor that should not be allowed in the states. I haven’t eaten seafood since.

Example C: At the end of most weekend nights, post DeLeon’s, I end up in my full-sized bed with 1-3 of my closest friends. When we’re especially cramped, it’s no longer a bed of comfort but instead a cuddle-fest, or “factory” as we like to call it. However, the cuddle factory is a prime target for attack, and my roommates take full advantage of it. As “Make it rain on them hoes” is being screamed, pounds and pounds of waffle pretzels, frozen peas, and birthday cake has been thrown into my bed, all on separate occasions. Waking up in a bed filled with frozen peas truly makes you re-evaluate a lot of things in your life.

Example D: But by far, the strangest thing I have ever woken up to would have to be a real, straight from the forest, white spruce Christmas tree- all 8 feet of pure pine-needle glory. Not your average object to roll over and hit in the morning, to say the least. Due to a previous prank played by me, (which I certainly won’t go into detail with here) the Christmas tree was already soaked in beer- Keystone Light, to be exact. So when the tree ended up in my bed, it smelled like a mixture of pine tree and beer, which surprisingly isn’t too bad. From some perspectives, I may have deserved this one.

I hope this column inspires you to play more pranks on your roommates. You’re only in college once and the likelihood of charges being pressed is minimal, so it’s best to get the mischievous side out of your system while you can. I’ve learned a lot from these highly intellectually stimulating situations, and as long as this alleged dead pheasant is no longer being preserved in the neighbor’s freezer, I know one thing is certain: I will not be investing in a lock for my door for the remainder of the semester.

Note: This column was not based on true events. But chances are, it was.