Sense Of Self-Loathing Bolstered By Crappy Personality, Stupid Hair Cut

Story by Mitch McCann 

| Published Dec 6, 2011

Ever since his days in elementary school, senior philosophy major Marc Reiser has felt like an outsider. During the week, he spends much of his time selling magazine subscriptions door to door, and on weekends he travels around to local game shops and plays Magic: The Gathering with local patrons. 


“I used to feel that my life was extremely fulfilling, but all of a sudden... everything has changed,” said Reiser

“I put on weight and let everything pile up. I saw a bald spot one day, so I tried shaving my head. Now I’ve got this half D.L. Hughley, half Joe Dirt thing going on. My girlfriend left me. Not recently, mind you; it was, like, five years ago. But I can still feel the sting of regret.”

When reached for comment, several game store employees denied any firm relationship with Reiser and refused to comment on their “acquaintance’s” current status, instead requesting their names not appear in this article.

“I wish people liked me,” Reiser sighed. “I try and I try. It’s probably because I’ve never really had a strong relationship. My parents stopped paying attention to me at a very young age. I didn’t have siblings or anything, either.”

Reiser is currently seeking professional help for his situation. His latest therapist had little to say about their arrangement.

“I can’t really say much about Marc. Not as a professional courtesy or anything, I just don’t really think about him very often.”