Senior Having Quarter-Life Crisis Buys New Scooter, Dates 12 Year Old

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Apr 27, 2010

Bystanders report that senior English major Cody Ellis lost his mind early Thursday afternoon. Approaching the world of work without a tangible degree or any sense of direction, the minor panic attacks he has been suffering descended into full mental breakdown.

In the span of two hours, it became clear that Ellis was suffering from a quarter-life crisis. A lifelong resident of Lincoln, Ellis spent $2800 on a scooter despite owning both a bike and a car.

"It'll help me get around, you know," said the visibly shaken owner of a new Vespa. "I mean, if I stay in Lincoln. I might have an internship in Cincinnati. Or Chicago. Or maybe I'll just chill for a while. The world is open to me ... right?"

But that was not Ellis' most destructive decision of the day. Having recently broken up with his girlfriend of three years, he "finally grew up and got the balls" to ask out Hannah Bell, the 12-year-old daughter of a journalism professor.

"When I first saw her back in January, our eyes met," said Ellis, "and we shared a moment. I'm just sorry it took me this long to do it."

Though Ellis seems unaware of any legal ramifications, he did have some reservations.

"So far, she's refused to skip any classes to come see me," said Ellis. "But it's just the beginning of the relationship, I'm sure with time she'll see it's important to make time for each other."