Seattle Pre-Intelligencer Unsurprised By Collapse Of Rival Paper

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Sep 8, 2009

Continuing a streak of successfully predicting major news events stretching back since its founding more than 50 years ago, the Seattle Pre-Intelligencer was not at all surprised by the recent near total collapse of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. The Pre-Intelligencer wrote the story of the Post-Intelligencer’s collapse a full six months before the Post-Intelligencer made the decision to go to an online-only edition. However, because the Pre-Intelligencer predicted the collapse of the American newspaper industry over 15 years ago, the story was not published, as the Pre-Intelligencer has long since exited the printing business altogether.

Instead, the article was offered for sale to the National Enquirer, which declined to purchase the story. In recent years, the Pre-Intelligencer has been focusing most of its energy on using its future knowledge of the stock market to make lucrative investments as well as to stalk a woman named Cindy Laramie, with whom the Pre-Intelligencer’s Soothsayer-in-chief Frederick Torpokov has been madly in love for years but has not yet worked up the courage to talk to because none of his visions yet contain the two of them falling in love or getting married.