Sean Hannity Proves He Can Deepthroat Entire US Constitution

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Nov 17, 2009

After years of spouting his love for the United States and the constitution that drives it, Fox News pundit Sean Hannity decided to prove to his viewers how much he truly loved America.

Loyal Hannity viewer Paul Foster wasn't sure what to expect. "I mean, I know he loves the country and he loves the viewers, but I didn't think he'd really do it. Man, was I wrong. Hannity did what no one expected, and the world will never be the same."

Shortly after the opening credits ran, Hannity proceeded to roll up a copy of the United States constitution and slowly begin to shove it down his throat. As his producers and the studio audience stared in awe, he proceeded to force it all the way down without gagging.

Producer Brandon Kilmore stood in absolute reverence. "I've known Mr. Hannity for years, but this is the first time I've ever seen something like this. I think this really proves he loves his country." He continued staring for several more seconds before collapsing at the knees.

A scan of the audience revealed very little but awe. Several audience members began openly weeping, and one middle aged women fell to her knees in prayer.

An interview, conducted after the cataclysmic event, revealed several surprising facts. Hanna Wilcox had voted for President Barack Obama in 2008, was nothing but regretful for her actions. "He... Hannity... has changed me." She choked out her statement between sobs. "Conservatism is the right way... the only way."

Hannity held the document down for almost a full minute before pulling it out to the shocked applause of his audience. Sweeping aside his hair and wiping the sweat from his brow, he took in the general esteem of the group, and he consented to speak.

"This is for all the liberals out there: you do not appreciate what I've just done. Beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love my country and you do not. For all my conservative friends, it is for you that I have done this. Fight the good fight. God bless."

After taking a bow, Hannity departed from the stage, leaving 53 more minutes of screen time to be filled.

Fellow Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly, in a fit of jealous rage, attempted to do the same thing on his show the following evening. Funeral proceedings for Mr. O'Reilly are still being discussed.