Santa Loses Mind After Realizing He Doesn't Exist

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

Nicholas "Santa" Claus was interned at Pilgrim Psychiatric Center in Brentwood, N.Y., this past Monday after he realized his entire life has been a lie his parents told him to keep him from acting up. The self-unrealization has sent Claus into a delirium from which he may not recover, hospital sources are reporting.

The Pilgrim Center is famous for its successful treatment of the Tooth Fairy and Jesus Christ, both of whom experienced similar psychological trauma after realizing they did not exist but later went on to live fulfilling lives. However, Pilgrim Center psychologists caution against much optimism at this point.

"Most of our patients come to the conclusion they don't exist pretty early in their lives," said Pilgrim psychologist Dr. Richard Kingman. "The difference is that most imaginary creatures realize early in their lives that they are human inventions and then just sort of play along. Santa Claus, however, has spent Christmas Day trying to deliver presents to every child on Earth for as long as he can remember."

“I don't exist!” exclaimed Claus. “But every Christmas, my reindeer and I fly around the world delivering presents to all the children. On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Kirsten Dunst, on Volvo, on AmTrac, on Nixon! Let’s go COWBOYS!”

Following his outburst, Claus was sedated in preparation for electronconvulsive therapy.

“I see this shit every day,” said Jesus Christ, who formerly believed he was the son of God. “A nice, imaginary guy who's trying to make a difference in the world realizes he doesn’t exist, and BAM — he goes fuckin’ nuts, and all the childhood dreams in the world aren’t worth dick. Can you take out a mortgage with childhood dreams as collateral? Can you put 'nullified sin of mankind' on a resume? No. You can't. One day you're a bestseller, and the next day you're an expression of surprise. Life's a bitch.”

As of press time, Claus was on suicide watch after failing to create a copy of "Call of Duty: Modern Wa