Ron Jeremy's Penis Fields Questions Following Pornography Debate

Story by Will Sharpe 

| Published Feb 9, 2010

Sporting a 1000-watt grin and wirey pube-mound as coarse as steel wool, Ron Jeremy's penis emerged from behind the curtain.

"Ladies and Gentlemen - I give you Ron Jeremy's penis!" rang a larger-than-life voice over the loudspeaker.

UPC executives described the reaction of the audience as "thunderous," with one executive even suggesting that the outcry trumped the ovation that Kathy Griffin's vagina received in 2009.

"Friends--," Ron Jeremy's penis began, "I am Ron Jeremy's penis. Go ahead; soak me in. Take a moment. Just a second. Soak me."

At the Q&A's conclusion, one audience member expressed admiration in Ron Jeremy's penis's poise, even in the face of condescending inquiries from cold-hearted Christians, who had, until just recently, never seen a man's penis.

"How can you live with yourself, Ron Jeremy's penis?" asked UNL Navigator and recovered-masturbater, Hayleigh Dawes. "Do you even understand what it means to be a part of a holy union? Have you ever had marital sex? Do you feel personally responsible for all of the women your industry has slaughtered? How do you muster shame-free stiffness, Ron Jeremy's penis?"

Ron Jeremy's penis drew a breath, taking a moment to clear his penis before speaking.

"I hate people like you, Hayleigh," Ron Jeremy's penis snarled. "You wouldn't know a good penis if it bit you in the throat."