Rex Ryan Drafts Treadmill

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Apr 19, 2011

Though the New York Jets have to wait until the 30th pick in the 2011 NFL draft, they’ve had their eyes on the same target all along.

Rex Ryan, Jets head coach and foot enthusiast, explained.

“All along, there’s been one thing we’ve needed,” Ryan said, “one spot that without a doubt is holding us back. Just one piece left in the Super Bowl puzzle.”

“If still available, there’s no doubt about our pick: a treadmill.”

Ryan, long mocked for his rotund features and love of god-damed snacks, believes that the treadmill will finally set his team on the track for an NFL Championship.

“I’m a big dude, and I do love to snack,” Ryan explains. “I’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time. A treadmill just doesn’t come around very often. This could be a big game-changer for me.”

When asked, Ryan said he doesn’t plan on changing his eating habits to match his proposed exercise routine.

“Who do you think I am, Bill Belichick? Fuck off. Next question.”