Republican Dog Shits First, Asks Questions Later

Story by Logan Thompson 

| Published Oct 6, 2009

A die-hard Republican puggle has been silently and aggressively shitting on neighbors’ lawns since 2004, sources reported Monday.

City officials said some residents living near the dog’s home in the Knolls of south Lincoln have been submitting complaints ever since the dog first shat outside his owner’s property. They have only recently accumulated enough of them to take action.

Sources from the neighborhood have said the saga was prompted when a stray dog wandered into the puggle’s lawn in 2001 and “laid down the biggest shit anybody in that yard had ever seen.” Members of the family were devastated.

“There was no reason for it,” said Daniel Weiss, the puggle’s owner. “The strays hate us for no real reason. They hate our way of life and our perfectly groomed lawn.”

Weiss went on to say that there was one positive result from the attack. His whole family became closer than ever after the monster squash showed up outside and killed a patch of grass nine square feet in area.

“Our dog really wanted to get back at that stray and any neighbor dogs who were in on it. We were behind him 100 percent,” Weiss added.

Neighbors said it was when their lawns started filling with shit that some of them wondered whether the puggle was doing the right thing. “I was all for him going after that stray dog,” said neighbor and dog-owner Betty Ranz. “If I saw it in my yard, I’d shit on it myself. But then I found puggle deuces in my lawn. My dog has no connection with strays.”

Weiss said he and his puggle have found evidence of Ranz’s dog aiding and abetting strays, but Ranz has denied every allegation. She said her dog has never had any connections with such animals, and she herself has never fed them.

Rob Voyent, another neighbor who issued a complaint, said his dogs have openly played with strays that wandered close, but his dogs never helped them lay a "doozy of a twosy" on anybody's lawn.

“Our lawn is pretty crappy,” Voyent said, “and our dogs hang out with some real skanky dogs, I admit. But that doesn’t mean [the Weiss dog] can just come over here and turn our grass into a minefield.”

“Those neighbor dogs were gonna shit on our lawn,” Weiss responded after being questioned about his puggle’s preemptive shitting.

Voyent asserts that his dogs don’t have the means to shit on the Weiss’ lawn, even if they wanted to.

“I mean, they do shit, a lot actually, but they only shit on each other’s areas of our own lawn, so it’s cool.”