Report: Everyone Generally An Asshole

Story by Jacob Zlomke 

| Published Sep 20, 2011

In a study released last week, the American Psychological Association concluded that every human being is in some, if not most, ways a total asshole.

According to the study, “…it appears that, despite the kindness and generosity that many people seem to possess, each and every person in all of known history is or has been some kind of jerk-off, douche bag, slime-ball or scum bucket—all personality types falling under the umbrella disorder of ‘asshole.’”

The study goes on to say that the asshole trait could be traced back to human-kind’s earliest ancestors.

“Assholes date back far past recorded history. Most probably, assholes first appeared in the species sahelanthropus tchadensis,one of the last common ancestors between humans and chimpanzees.”

The trait likely emerged and was fostered when groups of stronger males would physically compete for the most desirable mate. The females of the species, on the other hand, would act interested in a male competing for her, and then shun him once he had won her favor. Weaker males are thought to have been present, but rather than competing physically, would often make barely-audible, snide remarks in attempts to win recognition.

The study suggests that these same traits have not altogether disappeared from modern human mating grounds.

Dr. Steven van Guren, professor of psychology at Stanford and a member of the team that conducted the study, said the results have interesting historical implications.

“The results really are astounding. The scope of that which can now be explained is immense—your neighbor who keeps allowing his dog to defecate in your yard despite repeated requests otherwise is an asshole. And Adolf Hitler, leader of the Holocaust, had one of the most severe cases of Asshole to date.”

Van Guren added that even the “pillars of kind-heartedness” in our society, such as Martin Luther King Jr. and actor/rapper Will Smith, are assholes, citing the time in 1964 that King wouldn’t let his daughter stay up to watch television on a Friday night “just because, that’s why.”