Rainbow Road Declared Structurally Unsound By Mushroom Kingdom Road Commission

Story by Will Sharpe 

| Published Nov 11, 2008

Long marred by insufficient guardrails, abrupt 90 degree turns, savage, unchained shark-dogs and asshole drivers with a knack for landing a bolt of lightning at a time that couldn’t be more inconvenient for you, Rainbow Road was officially deemed unsafe for drivers by Mushroom Kingdom Road Commision President Toad Johnson this past Monday.

The announcement comes on the heels of years of ruined friendships and cries of “Are you fucking kidding me?!? I work my way up to first place only to get bent over by Peach’s leader-shell? Bullshit!” at the hands of this merciless road.

“We need to take some time to figure out how we are going to address some of the road’s issues,” Johnson said Monday at a press conference.

“There’s definitely been a problem with drivers just launching themselves off of the road and being carried away into deep space."

“The decision to suspend the Mushroom Kingdom’s most important pro-gay roadway in space in the first place is also something that we plan to re-evaluate.”

For years, drivers have complained of Rainbow Road’s abysmal, seemingly deliberately deadly design, citing countless nuisances that make the roadway very conducive to unfriendly driving.

“If it’s not a barrage of shells barreling towards my asshole with a head full of steam, it’s a whole goddamn mess of bananas throwing off the rotation of my tires and hurling me into the bowels of outer space,” complained Mario, a local plumber.

“For the record, only coward bitches end up with bananas. But really, take a cue from Koopa Troopa Beach and redesign Rainbow Road with some logic and a gnarly shortcut through a cave.”

Other drivers chose to stay mum regarding the terror and humiliation brought on over the years courtesy of Rainbow Road.

When asked to shed some light on just what would make Rainbow Road safer, local obese madman, Wario, replied flatly, “Imma Wario! Imma gonna win!”

MKRC officials have yet to draw up a time table for the roadway’s much needed rennovation.

However, they do not plan to close Rainbow Road and cautioned drivers to continue to keep their guard up until the necessary improvements have been made.