Prophets Jesus, Mohammed Faceoff In Holy Scriptures Sales Competition

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Feb 19, 2008

Months of tension and ill will between Jesus Christ and longtime rival Muhammad culminated at a press conference Tuesday when Christ, faith enthusiast and son of world-renowned religious mogul God, put forth a simple challenge:

“We’ve both been talking shit for months now, Muhammad. It’s time to man up,” the Prince of Peace proclaimed. >>>>“All I’m saying is this: If my newest version of the Bible doesn’t outsell your new Koran, I’ll retire from religion for good.”

Several members of Christ’s inner circle remain confident the Savior’s ultimatum will not result in his retirement.

“I’m sure Jesus will come out on top of this whole affair,” said Saint Peter, Christ’s public relations manager. “I won’t deny the guy; he’s got a lot of fight in him.”

Christ’s fan base of 2.1 billion would seemingly give him an initial edge over Muhammad, whose fans number approximately 1.5 billion.

But there are those in Christ’s camp who remain unconvinced.

“I doubt Jesus is going to win this fight,” said Thomas, a close personal friend of Christ. “I’m not sure why, I just honestly doubt it.”

Christ’s announcement came as an answer to a series of controversial comments made by the final prophet of Allah last week during a telephone interview on the “Tonight Show.”

“Jesus has a serious God complex going on,” Muhammad said to a captivated audience. “He thinks just because he’s the boss’s kid, that he’s inherited the earth or something.”

Through e-mail correspondence with The Dailyer Nebraskan, Muhammad attributed the
animosity between Christ and himself to a number of factors. He cited ideological differences as well as personal grievances.

“I had lunch with him last week, and he insisted on dragging me to Jimmy Page’s Pork Palace. There was literally nothing on the menu I could stomach, but he didn’t care,” complained Muhammad. “And then, just to be a dick, he turned my diet Mr. Pibb into a gin and tonic. He knows I don’t drink!”

Muhammad voiced certainty that he would triumph over Christ in sales.

“He’s going down! That’s all there is to it,” Muhammad said.

When reached for comment, Christ further fanned the flames of enmity between Muhammad and himself.

“Is he still mad about the whole soda-into-hard-liquor thing? The guy was on his fourth free refill!” Christ said when asked about the incident.

Christ also refused to call a truce with Muhammad. He dismissed the subject with a wave of his hand, which also cured a band of roving lepers passing through the neighborhood.

“Don’t make me the bad guy here! Sure, I can be a jerk sometimes, but Muhammad isn’t completely blameless either,” Christ continued. “Every time he sees me, he’s all, ‘What’s up, my Infidel?’ I’m sorry, but I find it offensive.”

Christ also used the press conference where the challenge was issued to cancel his much-anticipated Second Coming tour. He stated that he was fatigued from stress and pressure.

“I love all my fans very much, and I know that this will greatly disappoint them. I promise you all that I will return to the touring circuit the moment I feel up to it again,” Christ said, reading from a prepared statement. “Of course, this cancellation means several parents out there will have to stop telling their kids that they’ll be the last generation on earth. Seriously, knock that off. You know who you are.”