Promise Of Some New Dope Shit Forces Congress To Loosen Border Security

Story by Greg Bright 

| Published Dec 6, 2011

The nation’s drug dealers came before congress last week to tell them that they had some real prime shit coming in, and just needed the congressmen to loosen up border security for “like, a week or so,” so they could get it in without losing any. Without much debate, the House of Representatives and the Senate passed the bill with all but two members voting yes.

President Obama quickly signed the bill, hoping the shit would arrive in time for his Saturday evening date with Michelle.

Senator John McCain hoped the new “dopier” shit would take care of the nasty headaches he’d been getting, and maybe help “take the edge off” of the depression caused by representing a state of the “stupidist and most racist pieces of shit in the whole country.”

This giddy anticipation was shared by Senator Harry Reid, who hoped the new “rad” shit would get in before Friday night’s Grateful Dead reunion show, a show that really needed the “best shit available,” the Senator said.

One of the two dissenting votes, Representative Michelle Bachmann, claimed that the old shit was much more awesome than this new “dirty” shit, and that there was no need to loosen border security for such “shitty shit.”

Critics, however, claim that Bachmann is only a fan of the old shit because her husband owns a great deal of it, and the new shit would keep him from selling his “gross” shit at a sustainable profit.

As of press time the Washington D.C fire department has been called to the Capitol Building due to the clouds of smoke seen emitting from the building. No Member of Congress has answered the phone for comment.