Priest Only Sexually Attracted To God

Story by Greg Bright 

| Published Sep 6, 2011

Local Priest Jeremy Isaacs says people do not need to worry about leaving their kids alone with him because he’s “not even attracted to human beings, let alone children.” Instead, Isaacs is part of a growing number of Priests who are embracing their own sexual orientation category: people who are only sexually attracted to deities. In Isaacs’s case, his flame is the Christan God.

Priests across the country are finally stepping out of the shadows after the Pope declared last week that being sexually attracted to God “is a natural thing for a priest.”

“I am so relieved that he changed the church’s policy on this, because until now it’s been haunting hundreds of us,” Isaacs said. “So many of my colleagues have been living in fear that if we got caught, the Church would shun us and force us to live in some terrible place like Columbia or New Jersey.”

It had been rumored that the Pope himself was one of these Priests, and that the Pontiff had even written an essay on why the Catholic Church should okay masturbation “if you’re thinking about God,” since “that’s the only logical way Priests can consummate their love with God.”

“His Holiness has yet to go that far, and I’m not sure if it’s right for the Catholic church to do so at this moment,” Isaacs said. “But I can tell you that it affects more priests than you might think, and that it will continue to happen because, as His Holiness said, it’s a totally natural phenomenon.”

“That’s why I became a Priest: because it would make me closer to God. And, of course, it’s the only way to be a single 40-year-old man and not seem totally creepy.”