Porn Industry Plans To Take Great Care Of Your Estranged Daughter

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Oct 6, 2009

The porn industry couldn’t help but overhear your conversation concerning the recent discovery that you fathered a child two years ago. Rather than offer you words of congratulations or condolences, which you’ve probably heard more than enough of at this point, the porn industry would like to make you a promise.

It is going to take great care of little Sara, Mary or whatever the hell her name is (the porn industry will probably change it, anyway. Nothing against you, pal, but it doesn’t really dig your ex-girlfriend’s appreciation for classic names). She is going to be the apple of many, many eyes — so don’t you fret, OK?

The porn industry isn't one to judge because the porn industry knows exactly what you are going through. It has seen it before, and it is almost positive it will see it many, many more times. You see, the porn industry understands how difficult being a father can be — especially in your case. Particularly in your case, actually. After all, look at how much you've got going for you. You're almost finished with that English degree, and you’re completely dedicated to that totally awesome band you’re fronting. There definitely aren't enough hours in the day for the kind of life you are living. And now that bitch (whom you only began seeing because you couldn't afford your cable bill that month) wants to dump the trials and tribulations of parenthood on your shoulders? Inconceivable! Unforgivable!

So what does the porn industry suggest you do? Run, my friend. Run fast, and run far. Do not call, do not write and do not come back, even if you are really, really hard up for cash. Just the mere fact that this woman had the audacity to call and ask for money shows she will never stop until she has succeeded in looting every goddamned cent from your guilt-ridden corpse. Oh, and most importantly, never pause to feel a moment of remorse. All those missed ballet recitals and birthday parties are superfluous and petty events in a child's life. If you attend one, you are expected to attend them all.

Rest assured that, eventually, the porn industry will give your little girl everything that a real woman needs. She'll have friends that will last a lifetime (assuming that HIV won't be a big deal in 20 to 25 years) and a stable job in a lucrative market — well, if she doesn't have a horse face. But you're pretty good looking, and the porn industry heard that your ex-girlfriend is a fox, so the porn industry isn't worried. Oh, and love. There will be lots of love made on a daily basis.

Plus, you are totally right in assuming that your daughter would never appreciate all the sacrifices you'd inevitably have to make if you stuck around. She won't. She’ll just grow up to resent you.