Plan To Enrich Self While Studying Abroad Falters When Student Realizes Other Countries Have Bars, Too

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Nov 25, 2008

To Ryan Willard, his six-month jaunt studying abroad in Berlin, Germany, represents a chance for him to broaden his cultural horizons and gain a better understanding of his Northern European heritage.

“I’ve been here about eight weeks, and I’m absolutely enthralled with this country,” Willard said. “Did you know they don’t even have a drinking age here?”

Willard keeps a notebook titled “Study Abroad Goals,” which contains pages upon pages of culturally enriching sites and cities Willard feels he should visit while in Europe.

“Let’s see here,” Willard said, riffling through the notebook’s pages. “Whole bunch of stuff I want to see in London. Oh, and I’m going to swing by Dresden as well. There’s just so much culture for me to soak up here, you know?"

“I’m so glad I was born into a level of affluence that allows me to piss around for six months under the guise of becoming worldlier,” he added. “Oops, I meant mehr weltlicher. That’s German. I learned that here.”

Willard’s list also includes several personal growth goals, including expressing his individuality and independence via a backpacking trip through Europe financed entirely by his parents and perfecting the haughty, self-important tone he’ll use when telling people he spent half a year overseas.

Willard also hopes to find a single, semi-interesting story he’ll relate to droves of uninterested listeners back in the U.S.

“I’m sure I’ll meet some interesting people in a hostel,” Willard said. “You guys know what a hostel is, right? Okay, just checking. Didn’t know if you’d been to Europe before.”

However, working his way through the list has been rough.

On a trip to France, Willard planned on seeing the Eiffel Tower and honing the pensive, nostalgic sigh he’ll use when telling people back home, “God, I miss Europe, you guys. No, you don’t even understand. I want to go back soooo bad!”

Instead, Willard ended up getting completely tanked and wandering up and down the beaches of Normandy for more than four hours.

The trip culminated in a drunken, $200 long-distance cell phone call to his grandfather in which Willard belligerently asserted he was “totally storming this bitch, old man, and it’s not even that fucking hard” before vomiting into the Atlantic Ocean.

Currently, Willard has only accomplished two of the goals on his list– “Land at airport” and “AMSTERDAM!!!” – but remains confident he’ll be able to cram in visits to more than three dozen cities and landmarks in the time he has left.

“I mean, I’ve accomplished that second goal four times already, which proves I’ve got the determination to see this list through to the end,” he said before hurrying out the door to catch the happy-hour special at a nearby discotheque.