Obama On Funding $938 Billion Healthcare Bill: 'I Know A Guy'

Story by Jacob Zlomke 

| Published Mar 30, 2010

After finally being signed in to law last Tuesday, President Obama and many democrats in Congress are hailing the recent health care bill as one of the most important pieces of legislation in decades.

However, despite considerable support, the bill has left many Americans wondering just how a recession-riddled nation can realistically afford the $938 billion dollars in required funding. On Thursday, Obama addressed this subject from the White House press room.

“This bill will take its place alongside some of the most significant legislation in American history,” the President said, “but at the same time, many Americans are wondering how we can fund these new measures, especially when considering the current state of the economy and the overwhelming national deficit. To those of you with concerns along those lines, I urge you not to worry. I know a guy.”

President Obama went on to assure American citizens that if they "do not worry about how or where the money comes from, and as long as no one asks questions, everything will be excellent. Just excellent."

When pressed to present more information, The President’s eyes quickly narrowed and his voice, suddenly devoid of its customary, hopeful eloquence, became stern.

“Don’t ask any questions and it will be fine,” Obama warned reporters.

Vice President Joe Biden also spoke on Obama’s plan.

“As President, he naturally knows a lot of people, and a lot of these people...know how to get certain things. Things which some might consider...'important' or 'valuable,'” Biden said. “But personally, I wouldn't bother him too much about it. It's probably in the nation's best interest that these people remain unnamed, and altogether untalked about.”

His plan, while lauded by most Democratic supporters, has fallen under a great deal of Republican scrutiny, particularly by House Minority Leader John Boehner.

“America has dealt long enough with Obama’s nebulous style of speaking,” Boehner told reporters, “and whatever kind of shady dealings he and the left are up to, we deserve to know. Besides, shady dealings are sort of our [Republicans’] thing, not Democrats’.”

Despite the steep partisan opposition, Obama still pledges to maintain continuous contact with said “guy” for the next few years, or at least until the bill is paid for in full.