November Marks Advent Of Stupid Hat Season

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

Due, in large part, to the dependably consistent variations between freezing rain and killing frost, even the hardiest of Lincoln natives cannot deny that the summer-to-fall transition has finally ended. Yes, gone are the days of flip flops, gym shorts, and blouses designed to leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. Now, timeless classics such as the embroidered sweater, the wind breaker, the UGG boot, and the puffy vest are spotted with increasing frequency in the metro area.

However, all aforementioned fall fashion comebacks have thus far paled in comparison to the reemergence of the stupid hat.

But what exactly is a stupid hat?

Thanks to a recent in-depth hat study funded by Harvard University, there is now a better understanding of the physical nature of flamboyant headwear. The 547 page docket identifies a stupid hat as headwear with an excessive amount of decorative balls, clashing colors, spikes, or other strange and augmented shapes that do not appear in nature. If the hat in question has cat ears or other animal anatomy sewn onto the top, it too, qualifies. And finally, and perhaps the simplest way of identifying a stupid hat, is for an individual to try on the selected hat, stand in front of a mirror, and fail to convince themselves that he or she is not a douche bag.

Nevertheless, sources say it is now become increasingly difficult for a person to walk down the street without catching sight of another pedestrian with a Russian Bomber, a coonskin cap, or a Viking helmet perched atop their respective head. Such behavior begs the question; Why, dear God? Why?

“It’s just the magic of the season, I guess!” claims Lynette Atwood, sales manager of the local J.C. Penney’s. “Generally our customers adhere to a critically meticulous fashion code—but come autumn, people like to cut loose and get a little wacky!”

After selecting a yellow blob which bore a vague resemblance to Pac-Man from the display pile, Atwood then placed it upon her head and glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Eyewitnesses report that she then collapsed into a fit of giggles whilst repeating “Ohhh gawwd! Wouldja get a look at this hat! I’m just so silly!”

Recent studies have shown that one does not need to be a four year old child or forty-five year old adult attempting to rejuvenate a failing sense of humor to appreciate an incredibly stupid hat. The student body of the University of Nebraska, Lincoln is a testament to such a claim.

Senior Kyle Wright, 22, has been a long-time supporter of the stupid hat and has dedicated countless years and funding to his personal collection.

“I love November,” proclaimed Wright while modeling what appeared to be a beige tube sock which he heroically managed to fit around the circumference of his entire head. “Now, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is ask myself; ‘Kyle, how can you possibly make yourself look like a total jackass?’ Then I put one of these bad boys on.”

Wright further revealed that he thrives on the attention that his stupid hats bring him. Even the snidest of comments fills him with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and joy. He claims that this sort of disposition is common amongst most individuals who delight in the stupid hat. He is not alone in this assumption.

“The best offense against a barrage of kitschy headwear is feigned oblivion,” insists David Cooper, graduate student and naysayer of stupid hats, everywhere. “Don’t acknowledge them. Don’t even think about them. It only makes their powers grow, tenfold.”