No One Important Killed In Avant-Garde Chainsaw Musical

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Mar 1, 2011

No one of consequence was killed at the 1st Annual Avant-Garde Chainsaw musical, which was held late Monday evening.

Police speculate that “20-ish or so” people who came to see the exhibit died, but “we don’t care to release their names, because frankly no one will miss them,” according to Lincoln Police spokesman Jonathan Rich.

The exhibit, held in the Sheldon Museum of Art, was billed as the “first in an annual celebration of power-tool related celebrations of the sonic arts,” according to the exhibits description.

Though details are still scarce, Rich said the police have put together a basic sketch of what happened.

“Basically, a bunch of art-type douche bags arrived ‘fashionably late’ to the museum, at about 7:10,” said Rich. “The artist, someone who goes by the name of “Birch,” descends from the ceiling with an active and running chainsaw. By 7:12, every patron, and the artist, is dead, and a great justice has been done to humanity.”

Nearly an hour later, Lincoln police responded to a call of littering in the area. Blood from the nearly two dozen dead had begun to flow down the front steps of the gallery and was “creating a public health hazard,” said Rich.

“That’s the real crime here,” he added. “No one cares about a couple dead art pricks, but the good people of Lincoln were in danger of slipping and falling on the nearly 32 gallons of blood that had begun to flow from the building.”

A hazardous materials team was called, and the blood was quickly cleaned up. There was, however, significant debate as to what to do with the dismembered bodies.

“They certainly didn’t deserve a proper burial,” said Rich. “Everyone agreed on that. So we crushed them to use as pothole filling. These people did ultimately prove useful to society, after all.”

The Sheldon Museum is closed for the remainder of the week until another exhibit can be found to fill the space, but it is speculated that no one will notice.