New Version Of Photoshop Still Unable To Make Steve Buscemi Remotely Attractive

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Oct 14, 2008

Tech geeks and Facebook stalkers alike rejoiced Saturday, celebrating the release of Adobe Photoshop Vulcan, the latest version of the image manipulation software.

Despite a number of improvements – including a new tool to remove that pesky “stock photo” text and a Profile Picture Filter to blur a picture beyond recognition – Vulcan still lacks the capacity to make Steve Buscemi attractive. Long regarded at the Gordian Knot of digital editing, the task of making the actor into “one of the beautiful people” has eluded skilled photoshoppers for decades.

“I...I just can’t do it, man,” moaned Lyle Huntsley, a 31-year-old part-time electronics store clerk and pervert, who frequently uses Photoshop to combine pornographic images with pictures of his co-workers. “I’ve had years of experience, but even this is beyond me. I’ve been stuck on this problem for a week and a half straight!”

“Wait! Maybe if I add some more lens flair,” he muttered, returning to his stooping sedentary position in front of the monitor, still engrossed in his work.

The funeral for Huntsely will be held this Sunday at the Apostolic Assembly Church, 1020 S. 15th St.