New Study Finds Alcohol More Fun Than Heroin

Story by Kelsey Richard 

| Published Nov 23, 2010

A new study from an independent lab in the United Kingdom has found that drinking alcohol is significantly more fun than using heroin.

The study, which surveyed 5,000 people, took three years to complete.

“Yes, after careful study and consideration, we’ve found that the majority of people studied preferred sipping appletinis over jabbing their arm with a poison-filled needle slathered with HIV,” said Dr. Steven Moore, a researcher on the project.

Participants were asked to rate various events associated with each substance on a Fun Scale, from 1-100, with 100 being the “most fun.” Black outs, projectile vomiting, awesome sloppy sex, morning-after Facebook photo-tagging and drunken status updates were rated at an average of 90 on the Fun Scale. Parental disappointment and abandonment, loss of self-worth and dying alone were rated at an average of 12.

“We hope that our revolutionary findings will inspire the government to reconsider their anti-alcohol campaigns. What society needs now is more fun and less heroin,” Dr. Alan Engle, the lead scientist, said.

A random man on the street is quoted as saying, “Yeah, this really shakes up my traditional views of substance abuse. I’ll be sure to teach my children that heroin is really bad, and that they should just strive to be alcoholics like the rest of us.”