New Film Announced: Illegal Alien Vs Sexual Predator

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Mar 30, 2010

Fox Studios announced today that it has begun production on the third film in its highly successful but critically derided "Alien vs Predator" series. The new movie, entitled "Illegal Alien vs Sexual Predator," is intended to "reach a new, untapped audience," according to director Michael Bay.

The film, currently slated for release in the 2010 holiday season, stars Ned Holness (popularly known by his stage name Carlos Mencia) as an illegal immigrant attempting to make a new life for his family in America without proper documentation. His plans are quickly challenged, however, when a sexual predator (played by college basketball analyst Dick Vitale) begins to stalk his six-year-old son (played by pop sensation Justin Bieber in his acting debut).

Bay has confessed to being incredibly excited about the project.

"I can't wait to, like, blow shit up," a visibly shaking Bay said. "There's going to be a massive fight scene in New York City and then the giant robots will, like, crash into the Statue of Liberty so that her torch falls and impales Carlos. It's so badass."

Mencia announced his involvement in the project in a statement he had copied verbatim from a Joe Rogan routine.

However, the movie is already drawing criticism. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences issued a statement condemning the very existence of the film.

"You know damn well that this film will be way more popular than Meryl Streep's next film," the statement read. "We have already picked her movie as next year's best. We will not take this lying down."

Neither Vitale nor Bieber could be reached for comment, as Vitale was busy attempting to explain basketball to the confused pop star. Sources close to the teen singer said that Bieber later got revenge by wiring an mp3 of his latest single, played on a continuous six-hour loop, into Vitale's hearing aid.