New BP Study Finds Polar Bears Love Swimming

Story by Justin Rosenbohm 

| Published Oct 26, 2010

In a press release Monday, a group of researchers funded by British Petroleum (BP) shared their findings after the conclusion of a two-year study into the effects of climate change on polar bears.

The large arctic predator was once believed to be incapable of sustaining life in an entirely aquatic environment. However, this longstanding myth has been proven false, and allowed biologists to look at the misunderstood bears in a new light.

“The preliminary tests were on par with our expectations,” said project head Donavan Heltibridle. “Individual polar bears proved they were capable of spending extended periods of time (14 days) in water, but what shocked us was the result of the group study.”

Data indicates that there is an inverse and exponential relationship between the amount of ice present in the bears’ environment and the sheer amount of fun that they display.

The experiment was devised as such: First, the group of 12 bears was observed on a large circular plate of ice, about 10 meters in diameter. The researchers’ report described the bears’ initial state as “lackluster” and “lethargic.”

“It was truly painful to watch,” said researcher Zhu Li. “It was as if they were begging for something, anything to break up the monotony.”

Then the temperature was raised and the ice began to melt.

According to the report, the bears at first seemed unsure of this change in their surroundings, as they bunched together in the middle of the now shrinking ice plate. However, as they grew more comfortable they began to “horse around a bit,” and shove one another into the water.

As the ice continued to melt, the levels of both fun and merriment showed a steady increase.

When the ice reached about two meters in diameter, the bears began to play a game that researchers described as “something like king of the hill.”

When the ice had completely melted, the bears began splashing about and “making all sorts of ruckus, splashing around and yelping.”

“You should have seen it,” said Heltibridle. “They had the time of their lives, then they got all tuckered out. Those rascals.”

Yet, already some have stepped forward to counter BP’s findings.

Madelyn Schmitz, Ph.D, a marine biology professor at the University of Southern California, voiced her concerns with the research’s conclusion. “While the bears might appear happy in the water, the full effects of an entirely aquatic lifestyle are not yet understood,” said Schmitz. “It’s possible that such a dramatic change of environment could alter feeding habits or potentially inhibit procreation.”

“We have already taken this into consideration, and it seems of no consequence,” said Heltibridle, citing a groundbreaking 2008 Anheuser-Busch study which indicated that “it is still possible to become pregnant while having sex in a pool.”

“We feel the concept is comparable,” said Heltibridle.

At the conclusion of the press conference Heltibridle said, “We mean to make no implication that the combustion of fossil fuels, like those made by the fine folks at BP, lead to climate change of any sort, but even if they did, well, that’d just be alright.”